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2020.09.15 08:46 TheCrowsNestTVAnother idea woo
George starts dating a woman he really likes, but learns she's actually a trans woman and becomes confused about how he should handle it. He wants to get advice, but is afraid of being called a transphobe. Kramer discovers Insane Clown Posse and starts identifying as a "Juggalo" and wears face paint, much to the annoyance of everyone else. He is eventually beaten up at the Gathering of the Juggalos after he calls someone a "Juffalo", which turned out to be one of the members of the band. Elaine creates an OnlyFans account to start making more money on the side, but is pushed to the sidelines by a prettier co-worker. Elaine then tries to sabotage the prettier woman. Jerry starts dating a woman and he's "Gaga" for her, until everyone starts calling him a "Simp" and a "Cuck". It later turns out the pretty woman that Elaine is competing with is the woman Jerry is dating.
2020.08.29 18:00 NotMarileeRT Rundown August 22, 2020 - August 28, 2020
Last Week This post lists everything Rooster Teeth has released from August 22, 2020 to August 28, 2020. The organization of this post follows the order of the links on the sidebar on the website. FIRST exclusive content is surrounded in asterisks ( *EXAMPLE*) while content that is currently exclusive but will be available publicly later is followed by an asterisks and the date in which it will be free (EXAMPLE*Free September 5th.) This does not include content that will lose exclusivity on the day this post is made (August 29th.) NEWS:
I'm still friends with the same guys I was friends with in middle school. Most of us hang out together when we can, since we work different shifts and all. But one of our friends never wants to come out with us, and would rather sit at home and drink and mope. We've gotten him to come out and hang a few times but it's getting to be farther and fewer in between. We try to encourage him a lot but he will hear none of it. He really needs to get out more. We're afraid he's gonna hurt himself, end back up in jail, or worse. I remember around 8th grade things started changing with him. He started hanging out with the juggalo types and other socially destructive types. He still always hung out with us, but his attitude started changing. After high school, he started dating this trans and they were dating on and off that whole 7 years. He went to jail 4x over that span of time over it, and the trans he dated went to jail several times as well over the span of time over that. They aren't together anymore, but see in that time the rest of us went off and got married and started having kids. We think he's feeling out of place with us, even though we remind him (through example as well as through verbal expression) that he is always welcome with us. He has regrets, his self esteem has taken hits, and he's lonely (when it comes to females). And we know all too well how hard the dating pool is in our 20s. I could only imagine how difficult it is for people in their 30s. Is there any other way we can help him?
More Tiger King, a YouTube Doll Debacle and Did Sophie Find D.B. Cooper?
Inspired by recent haunted dolls on the hive, Cassie dives into internet sensation, Venus Angelic
The Stars of Tiger King: An Epilogue
Snitches get stitches and when internet comments destroy lives
Would you provide an alibi for a loved one? Trevor Hardy - The Beast of Manchester (and his brother)
The Inception of FaceBook Commentary: tangled history of internet smear campaign
Kelsey Grammar maybe into pegging
"It's very unfortunate for the mens. Their G-spot is up their ass hole and they're just going to have to get over it." -Cassie Delaney
Eamon Holmes (5G) and the gardaí (posting photos of sun bathers)
In The Shadow of the Truth Lies the Statue of Liberty
Bling Water! Your water is dead, you fools
Lisa helps Sophie with a follow up to Molly from Sophie's previous creep
The Mandela Effect. Are we all in hell/purgatory/multiple dimensions/simulated world
This episode has more filler than actual creeps but was no less enjoyable. Sophie, my handle is @Harry_birdboy. Cassie, I'll hug you!
Shipman the shit man
Crimes that happen in the virtual world that cross over into reality and suicide pact community killer
Harold Shipman, world's most prolific (and boring) serial killer
Gemma O'Doherty again (but she gets owned by Dublin airport on Twitter)
Beta Theta Pi? More like Beta Theta Die and the Glow Up with Deadly Consequences
Beta Theta Pi, Penn State University. Hazing ends in death :(
Sophie loves horror. Tells the real life story behind Scream. (Impromtu creep!)
Walk like a reincarnated Egyptian also that time a squirrel ate some guys nuts
Dorothy Eady, the reincarnation of an Egyptian priestess.Cassie is mean to her mother
Creep Confectionary is now a thing. Sophie seeds the idea for a Toast Podcast. Sophie presents a gaggle of gals cat-fishing some terrorists
Man gets balls eaten by squirrels
Jen and Sophie want to host their own Most Haunted. Cassie protests, as usual
Camilla and Prince Charles talk dirty
Don't anger a Karen, canal creeps and the parents who put the kid in kidnapping
Shannon Matthews, Karen Matthews has her own daughter kidnappped while she plays Xbox
Belle Gibson update! She is now Oromo (an Ethiopian ethnic minority). Katherine Knight and her human pelt
Riding in a tent on the canal
Freezin’ people ain’t easy, the genuinely geriatric mother and the biggest creeps of the week ever
The YouTubers that rehomed their son
The oldest woman in the world to give birth (oyster woman). 40 year old stone foetus!
Jen finally gets to tell her cryogenics story. Multple strands
No name, No luggage, No labels, No answers
1.) In a room at the Oslo Plaza Hotel, a young, elegant woman is found dead, with a gun shot wound to the head. Why did she check in under a false name? Why are the labels removed from her clothes? 2) Death in Ice Valley
The gals are reunited!
Guilt or grief? The dark story of Casey Anthony
Via Reddit/Sarah. Creepy MSN guy and possibly related swindler
Going through old issues of the Wrestling Observer Newsletter and posting highlights in my own words. For anyone interested, I highly recommend signing up for the actual site at f4wonline and checking out the full archives. PREVIOUSLY:
PROGRAMMING NOTE: Most of you know the homie SaintRidley has been recapping the Observers from the 1980s (and if you don't know, now you know). Anyway, he got blasted by storms in Iowa the other day and has intermittent internet and asked me to pass along word that he won't be able to post the latest issue of the 1988 Rewind this week. Hope everything's okay with ya dude!
Dave opens the issue with some high praise, a rare thing for the top story. But this week's episode of Raw was the first time WWE showed real effort in months, with a clear plan to build a Raw vs. Smackdown storyline and to make the brands as distinct as possible. Raw felt like a completely new show, starting multiple new storylines that hint at long-term booking (we're so used to WWE disappointing us nowadays that it's kinda cute to go back in time and see someone buy into the false hope of improvement like this). They also had a super hot crowd, which helped a lot. The ratings also saw a spike this week, due to fans wanting to see what Raw looks like with Bischoff in charge. The announcers were moved away from ringside and stationed near the stage, similar to the old Nitro set. During the matches, the arena was darkened to give it a more old-school feel. Things felt more spontaneous and less predictable than they have in ages. The European title was done away with, unified with the IC title. Dave feels the belt was useless the last few years anyway.
The show featured DX reuniting, but ended with Triple H turning heel and giving Shawn Michaels a pedigree. Dave expects it to lead to Triple H vs. Shawn Michaels at Summerslam, but we'll see. This also necessitated Triple H moving back over to Raw, and in exchange, they moved Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman over to Smackdown at the end of the show. Eddie Guerrero had a match with The Rock and also had a segment where they went back and forth on the mic. It was the most confident Eddie has ever been on the mic and he held his own with Rock and came out of the night looking to be a bigger star than ever. The show wasn't all good though. They had a segment where they put D-Lo Brown and Shawn Stasiak in the ring and Bischoff berated them for being boring and buried them for trying to wrestle, which Dave thinks sucked. The DX reunion followed by Triple H's heel turn blew through potentially weeks of storyline progression in only one hour, but that's typical these days. But Dave thinks of all the potential revenue they could have made on DX merch if they'd been given a chance to have even a short few-week run, but alas. He also thought the announcers playing dumb (like Jim Ross having to pretend not to know who the Island Boyz were during their debut, despite the fact that he's written about them a million times in his weekly WWE.com column). Also too much backstage stuff, which is fine for TV, but sucks for the live crowd when they bought tickets to watch half the show on the TitanTron. But overall, it was the best Raw in a long time and the first sign that maybe WWE's latest reboot is going to mean real change. And that's the top story. Raw was actually good for once and it's the biggest news of the week.
daprice82 Editor's Note:No one is going to care, but I have a story about this Raw. At the time, my girlfriend (now-wife) and I were in Peoria, IL for the 2nd annual Gathering of the Juggalos! We were 19 years old and drove there from Memphis in my shitty ol' Chevy Blazer and spent the weekend woop-wooping it up. Well, that Monday afternoon, we left Peoria to drive home. We got maybe 30 miles out of town when I realized that my previously full gas tank was almost empty. Pulled into a gas station, confused, but filled the tank again, and drove on. Watched the tank slowly drain as I drove along and within 30 minutes, I was on E again. I was losing gas somehow. Pulled off an exit and stopped at the single nicest truck stop I've ever seen. This place had everything. It was a gas station, connected to a Subway, with a lounge area that had recliners, full showers, washers and dryers, etc. If you're gonna be stranded somewhere, it was the best option. I ended up calling my dad and he drove 7 hours to come pick us up. So while we waited, my girlfriend and I spent the rest of the day into the night, hanging out in this lounge, sleeping in the recliners, and watching TV. And low and behold, they had the TV on Raw that night. I remember I was dozing in and out and I remember waking up when I heard the DX music hit and groggily staring at the TV like "wtf?" And then I saw Triple H turn on Shawn and was like "Whoa!" and then I fell back asleep and that's all I remember.
WWE announced that it's re-evaluating its quarterly and annual business efforts due to lower-than-expected revenue this year, stemming from PPV buyrates and live attendance plummeting. To keep the company in the black, WWE is making $20 million in budget cutbacks. Most of the cuts are coming from administrative expenses, but the developmental program is going to be hit hard (more on that in a bit). For next quarter, WWE is predicting an overall profit of $1.5 to $2 million. But that is a bit misleading because that figures in the $3.5 million settlement from the PTC lawsuit. If not for that settlement, this quarter would be the first money-losing quarter since 1997 (assuming you don't count the Q1 of 2001, when they had all the massive XFL start-up costs). Plus, they're running twice as many house shows now than they were the same quarter last year, and the numbers are still that bad. There's a ton of year-to-year comparisons here, which is super fun if you're a numbers person but TL;DR - business ain't great.
So what about Japan? Business there is an interesting story also. NOAH has surpassed NJPW in average attendance per show for the first half of 2002, which shows just how staggering of a collapse NJPW has had. The biggest success story of the year has been AJPW, which was on death's door a little over a year ago, with the entire roster jumping ship to form NOAH and the company lost its television deal. It's a miracle they survived at all, much less become as hot as they have this year. The reason, of course, is Keiji Muto (and to a lesser extent, Satoshi Kojima), both of whom jumped ship from NJPW at the beginning of the year and immediately gave the promotion a huge shot in the arm, spiking live attendance by nearly 70% and tripling merch sales. Meanwhile, NJPW is still stinging from those losses, plus they ran Riki Choshu out of the company, made Tadao Yasuda IWGP champion which was a huge flop, they have no good foreign talent, their junior division is stale as can be, and current champion Yuji Nagata is still trying to get his momentum back after a humiliating MMA loss to Mirko Cro Cop on New Year's Eve.
So about those developmental cutbacks. WWE cut ties with Les Thatcher's HWA promotion and also dropped the contracts of several developmental stars there. Among the names cut: Steve Bradley, EZ Money, Jon Heidenreich, Mike Sanders, BJ Payne, Horace Hogan, and several others you probably never heard of. HWA wrestlers Lance Cade and Charlie Haas are being reassigned to OVW, which will now be WWE's only developmental territory. Others, like Shannon Moore, Victoria, and Barry Buchanan are expected to debut on the main roster soon and were kept. In 2001 fiscal year, WWE spent $1.1 on developmental costs and had relationships with 4 promotions: HWA, OVW, UPW, and IWA Puerto Rico. Now we're down to one, with Jim Ross reportedly ordered to cut that developmental budget in half. Dave doesn't like this. With WWE being the only game in town and in need of new stars more than ever, he feels they should be expanding their developmental system rather than shrinking it. Creating new stars is vital to the future of WWE and limiting themselves to one promotion with a pool of only a dozen or so people seems short-sighted. He also disagrees with some of the people who got cut. Not everyone in developmental is going to be a star, but some of them at least deserved a shot (namely Steve Bradley, who had been there for 3-4 years, is still in his twenties, is a good worker and strong promo, but never got a chance on the main roster because he doesn't have the right look). Why some of those people were released while Jackie Gayda and Chris Nowinski are stinking up the ring on Raw is beyond Dave. He also thinks Les Thatcher had a pretty impossible job. He was given a roster full of wrestlers that were mostly leftovers from WCW. Young guys who came out of WCW's Power Plant and worked a fast-paced WCW style that doesn't apply to modern day WWE. Then they had Thatcher, Danny Davis, and Jim Cornette train these guys. A bunch of old school veterans training these young guys in the ways of 80s wrestling. So now they learn a whole new style....which also doesn't apply to modern day WWE. It's a broken system. Anyway, everyone who was cut has 90-day non-competes. Word is TNA is only interested in Mike Sanders, out of the names released.
WWE Vengeance is in the books headlined by one of those classic matches that can single-handedly make a show. The Rock defeated Kurt Angle and Undertaker in a triple threat match to become the first 7-time WWE champion, although Angle was clearly the one who had another star-making performance. Dave nitpicks the fact that Rock pinned Angle (rather than the champion Undertaker) to win the title, but he'll wait and see if it leads to anything storyline-wise first before criticizing it too much (it leads to nothing, turns out it was just a cheap way to get the title on Rock without Taker having to do a job). But it was an excellent match that gets 4.5 stars. Most of the other matches were good too, though some of the booking was weird and doesn't seem to make long-term sense. They teased a feud between the Raw and Smackdown announcers, which Dave thinks is fine so long as it stays verbal. None of us needs to see Jim Ross or Michael Cole in matches. Dave also gives Tazz credit for improving greatly in his commentary role over the last year. He sucked when he first started but he's the best color commentator they got now. They had the first face-to-face meeting between Angle and Lesnar, which is a subtle tease to what Dave expects to be a big time feud in the future. John Cena pinned Chris Jericho in a match that exposed how green Cena still is and Jericho wasn't able to carry him to anything good and the crowd couldn't have cared less about the rookie. RVD beat Brock Lesnar by DQ to retain the IC title. RVD was super over since they were in Michigan. Bad finish but I guess they didn't wanna give Brock the IC title since he's almost definitely winning the world title from Rock in a month. There was a forever long segment with Bischoff and Stephanie trying to woo Triple H to sign with their respective shows. Anti-Americans won the tag titles from Edge and Hogan. That's basically it.
We have a section called "Treatment of Minorities Within Pro Wrestling" by Todd Martin (presumably the same Todd Martin from the PWTorch?). The piece touches on wrestling's past portrayals of race and the false impression that things have gotten better due to the success of people like The Rock, when in reality, the racism is just more subtle. Martin takes a look at WWE's hiring processes. Very few minorities have come up through the developmental program, but it's hard to say if that's WWE's fault. Maybe there's just not many minorities trying to break into the business that way, there's no statistical evidence either way. But you can look at the wrestlers they chose to hire from WCW and how they fared in the WWE system. Midcard comedy wrestlers like Shawn Stasiak got a chance but not midcard comedy wrestlers like Norman Smiley. Nepotism got Horace Hogan a contract, but it didn't do anything for Stevie Ray. Examples like that. Or the Luchadores. Martin argues that, with all the talented Hispanic wrestlers WCW turned into stars, it's inexcusable that so few of them have even gotten so much a developmental offer from WWE. And the only ones who did were the ones fluent in English, which you can argue for. Can't argue size either. Someone like La Parka dwarfs over Crash Holly or Spike Dudley, but WWE has no interest. Wrestlers like Psicosis, Juventud, La Parka, Silver King, and others helped carry WCW through some of its most successful years and none of those guys even got a glance from WWE. Martin asks if Booker T's current jive-talking gimmick is any better than his early GI Bro or Ebony Experience gimmicks? Especially when they have him on TV hotwiring cars and doing stereotypical criminal shit like that? In regards to Eddie Guerrero's current Mexican stereotype gimmick, even Jim Ross recently said that it's taking Hispanic relations back 25 years. If the Booker T or Guerrero characters were portrayed on a normal network TV show with a majority-white cast, they would be seen for the racist caricatures that they are. Martin ends the piece by saying he doesn't believe WWE's decision makers are overtly racist. It's just that the company has created a hierarchy of implicit beliefs about how different types of people are portrayed and they may not even realize that they've built such a system.
Dave adds his own "editor's note" to the end of this piece and says he chose to publish it because of the detailed research and data used and found it a fascinating article that deserves discussion. Dave disagrees with some of it though and argues that some of it is just a difference in philosophy. For example, WWE tried the Lucha Libre experiment before with the Superastros show and crowds were dead for it. WWE and WCW had very different fanbases and presented different products because of it. So it may not be so much racism in that case as it is WWE fans have never shown any interest in that style of wrestling. He also argues against some of the examples Martin used (for instance, Stevie Ray was considered by WWE but he was already in his 40s and was never the caliber of worker as his brother, which is why they passed). But that being said, Dave thinks other parts of the piece make some interesting points that are well worth a read.
TNA week 5 felt like a whole new product due to the heavy influence of Vince Russo. We'll get into that later, but for now, buckle in, we've got a few paragraphs of TNA drama to get through. The first 4 shows presented a product with an emphasis on hard work and long-term angles. This week featured the classic Russo recipe of crash TV and constant, edgy swearing, in an attempt to market "to that 15-30 age group male demo that hates women because they can't get dates and enjoys seeing them harassed and abused." The show ended with a big injury angle to Scott Hall, which is all well and good and might get people interested in next week's show, except it came on the heels of multiple other "serious injury" angles during the same show and by the time Hall did it, it was something like the 3rd stretcher job of the night and it felt meaningless. Same with every promo being filled with curse words. The whole show was yet another example of why Vince Russo needs someone to filter his worst instincts. In this case, that should be Jerry Jarrett, but he was away from creative dealing with budget and legal issues all this week (gonna hear a LOT more about that soon). On that note, just based on very rough, preliminary PPV buyrate figures, production costs, etc. Dave estimates this company is already about half a million dollars in the red, and that's not counting the significant startup costs they have yet to recoup, with estimates that the company is currently losing about $120,000 or more per week.
As of this week, TNA's budgets have been slashed. They've also moved tapings to the smaller and cheaper Nashville Fairgrounds location and signed a 3-month lease. It's reported that switching buildings will save $27,000 per week. They're also eliminating pyro, cut new deals with the production crew, and will be flying in fewer stars, relying mostly on people that can drive. They also don't plan to use managers, will cut back on the TNA girls, and will be using Ken Shamrock and Scott Hall on alternate weeks, since they're the two highest paid guys and it's expensive to have them both on the same show. The Fairgrounds building has been used for wrestling tapings before and never looks good on TV, but TNA is insisting they can dress it up to look good. The budget cuts are expected to be so heavy that TNA's new break-even point for PPV buys will be 20,000 per week instead of 50,000. Dave thinks 20,000 is a much more attainable goal, but if it comes at the expense of the product looking minor league and low budget, it's gonna fail. The building also has no air conditioning and with TV lights, it's going to be brutally hot during summer months. Jerry Jarrett has been posting frequently on the wrestlingclassics.com message board and admitted that they weren't anywhere close to the 50,000-buys-per-week they needed. Here's a post Jerry wrote explaining their plans for the company and the new, Russo-iffic direction:
Jeff (Jarrett) and I are wrestling purists just as many fans here. The difference is that we have put up everything we have in our effort to present an alternative to sports entertainment. Our plan was simple. We believed that there were 50,000 wrestling fans who would pay $10 per week, or $40 per month to have an alternative to sports entertainment. This was based on the fact WWE has from 300,000 to one million fans of sports entertainment who will pay $35 per month to see their product. We were well aware that production values, talent, storylines, content, etc. were all factors that could negatively effect the buy rate. We still thought the market would support us enough to make the plan successful. We are finding that many of the wrestling purists did exactly as I did ten years ago, and that is, go on to something else. We are finding that there are many fewer fans who really want an alternative to sports entertainment than we anticipated. Therefore, we can either attempt to attract a few of the WWE fans, or pack up and go home. We have risked everything in our venture. Therefore, not because of our personal taste, but out of necessity, we are compromising our wrestling purist instincts and attempting to create a broader fan base. ECW did a great job of creating a product for the hardcore wrestling fan. The simple fact was that the base of their fans was not sufficient to keep them in business."
Ray Gonzalez, one of the top stars in Puerto Rico, shockingly announced he's leaving WWC and most expect him to jump to IWA. Gonzalez claimed WWC was late in paying him, which he says breached his contract (reportedly paying him $800-$1000 per week). As a result, his lawyers sent WWC a letter saying because of this, he was quitting the company. Gonzalez no-showed WWC events this weekend. This is going to badly hurt WWC's upcoming Anniversary show because Gonzalez was a major part of multiple top angles that the card was built around. Gonzalez has been the top heel in WWC and arguably has kept the company alive the past 5 years, and is most responsible for getting Carly Colon (Carlito) over as a big star. IWA has already started advertising a mystery wrestler to be the top heel in upcoming shows this weekend, and it's no secret that Gonzalez is expected to debut for the company and be that guy. Dave also mentions several other WWC wrestlers who no-showed events last week because they were late in being paid. Many of them are as much as 10 weeks behind on pay, but this week, they were summoned to the office where Carlos Colon paid them about 5 weeks worth of what they're owed. Lots of death-of-ECW vibes going on here lately.
Lots of rumors that AJPW star Genichiro Tenryu will be showing up at the NOAH show this week to challenge GHC champion Yoshinari Ogawa. Needless to say, this would be a big deal if it happens because AJPW and NOAH basically hate each other. No word on whether this is an angle or not, but given how much Motoko Baba hates NOAH, it seems unlikely. Of course, it also remains to be seen if Tenryu will even show up or if it's all just rumors. Tenryu is currently feuding with Muto over who should have become president of the company, so this could be just a kayfabed angle to make it look like Tenryu is really anti-AJPW (looks like it was just a work, he doesn't end up going to NOAH until 2005).
Dave recaps AJPW's latest Buddokan Hall show, celebrating the 30th anniversary of the company, which featured Keiji Muto wrestling 3 different matches under 3 different gimmicks. All told, Muto worked a total of about 36 minutes between the 3 matches and was banged up like hell the next day. There were also a lot of old legends on the card, like Abdullah The Butcher, Mil Mascaras, Dos Caras, and more. Stan Hansen and Motoko Baba came out to give speeches about the company, with Ms. Baba breaking down crying when talking about her husband, and more. I managed to find most of this show on Dailymotion, enjoy:
While we're on the topic, Dave saw a recent AJPW match with Tenryu defending the Triple Crown title against Satoshi Kojima in a match that many are calling the match of the year. Dave saw it and gives it 4.75 stars and calls Kojima possibly the best wrestler in the business when it comes to carrying the audience on an emotional roller coaster ride. He doesn't agree or disagree that it's the best match of the year, but he sure loved it.
Mitsuharu Misawa suffered a dislocated shoulder in a recent match. Popped it back in, worked the next day, still in pain, went to the hospital because that's what happens when you wrestle again right after dislocating your shoulder. Anyway, the doctors were like, "Hey, maybe don't do that for a minute" but he's Misawa so he vows he won't be missing any dates and then he hit the doctor with an emerald flowsion. Dave doesn't say this, I'm just assuming.
NJPW continues to decline. They held back-to-back shows at the 10,500-seat arena in Sapporo this week. The first night only drew 4,100 fans which was the smallest crowd they have drawn in that city in years. Second night was better, but still only 6,000 fans to see Yuji Nagata retain the IWGP title over Bas Rutten. In another era, this win would have been huge for Nagata but nobody cares when a wrestler beats an MMA guy in a worked match anymore because Inoki pretty much beat that horse to death.
There's talk of bringing back Chyna to work the August Tokyo Dome show for Antonio Inoki's UFO MMA promotion, presumably just to make an appearance (oh, if only). There's also talk of bringing her in for NJPW's September tour and having her beat male prelim wrestlers every night. Needless to say, there's a whole lot of people in the company against that idea. Especially because her loss to Joey Buttafuoco in a celebrity boxing match a few months ago actually got a lot of coverage in Japan, so coming off that and showing up to beat male NJPW wrestlers isn't a popular idea. But Inoki gonna Inoki, so we'll see.
Latest on the ECW bankruptcy proceedings. The trustee has filed a motion demanding that the InDemand PPV company pays them $724,456.40. That total is the money they owed ECW, minus $25,000 because ECW failed to produce the March 2001 PPV they were contractually obligated to produce. This case is a textbook example of why trying to run a PPV-only company like TNA is going to be so difficult. InDemand is still holding onto ECW PPV money from over a year ago. Anyway, of the $724k, a big chunk of it will go to attorneys, back taxes, commission fees, etc. Video game maker Acclaim, who owned a percentage of ECW, is expected to get a big chunk as well. Whatever is left over will be used to pay off existing creditors but there's not gonna be much. A lot of those creditors are just never going to get paid. It's also expected that Acclaim will end up owning the video tape library rights, since WWE hasn't yet made a bid to acquire it.
Former Crockett/WCW wrestler Chris Champion suffered a major stroke and is in critical condition. Champion also wrestled as Yoshi Kwan for a bit in WCW. A lot of people expected him to be a major star in the 90s, but it just never panned out, usually due to his own personal issues (I looked it up, he ended up surviving this go round, but he died in 2018 after suffering more strokes).
If you're wondering what Jim Crockett Jr. is up to these days, he works in real estate in Dallas. When Shaun Assael interviewed Crockett for his book on Vince McMahon, everyone in Crockett's office was shocked because they had no idea that their coworker was once the 2nd biggest wrestling promoter in the U.S. throughout most of the 80s. That's how much he's left the wrestling business behind.
Just gonna paste this quote here: "For whatever this is worth in case this becomes a major historical question down the line, the actual idea to make David Arquette WCW champion came from Tony Schiavone." Dave notes that Schiavone didn't have any decision-making power to make it happen, but he was the one who made the suggestion at a production meeting. According to those there, when Schiavone made the suggestion, Vince Russo's eyes lit up like it was the best idea he'd ever heard and the rest is history. (Vince Russo has confirmed this story himself. Last I heard, Tony admits he was involved in coming up with the idea but he refuses to take sole credit for it).
The Chicago-Sun Times interviewed Greg Gagne's son JP who is a pitcher for Notre Dame. In the interview, he talked about how famous wrestlers used to stay at his house all the time growing up and said that his friends love the story of how he once rode Space Mountain at Disney World with Ric Flair. Hehe.
Shane Douglas is now the booker for XPW and is involved in an angle where owner Rob Black's wife Lizzie Borden is leaving him for Douglas (don't get too close to her Shane, you might lose a thumb! More on that in a couple weeks...). Also, at the first show with Douglas as booker, there was a scaffold match where Douglas came out and shot the guy on the scaffold with a tranquilizer, causing him to plummet to the ring below, which then exploded. Don't worry, I wouldn't write all that without having a video for ya:
Notes from TNA PPV Week 5: Sabu debuted to face Malice in a surprise ladder match. It was fine. Sabu won, which earned him a contract to face Ken Shamrock for the NWA title next week in another ladder match. Don't worry, we have more ladders to come. Jeff Jarrett is being booked like the Stone Cold of TNA and Dave ain't here for it. Francine and Jasmine St. Claire had a shower scene together backstage, later leading to Jasmine in a wet t-shirt. K-Krush cut a promo complaining about being fired by WWE, just in case you weren't aware that most of this roster is full of WWE rejects, they make sure you know it. A 4-way match with a bunch of the young guys completely fell apart with everyone except Christopher Daniels looking totally lost and confused. Dave says rarely do matches even in OVW fall apart as badly as this one did. Another little person match that Dave says was one of the worst matches of the year and was highlighted by one of them breaking a watermelon over the other's head. Negative 3 stars. Even worse, the match went waaaay longer than it was supposed to, which cut into the time for AJ Styles vs. Low-Ki and a match that should have been great ended up being a huge disappointment. Plus a drunk guy in the crowd took away everyone's attention and they couldn't get the audience back. Jerry Lynn attacked AJ with a ladder afterwards because whooohoo ladders! Francine and Jasmine ripped each other's clothes off like every other time you've seen it in WWE. Then Blue Meanie DDT'd her and she did a stretcher job. Brian ChristopheLawlewhatever he is this week cut a long promo trashing his father to continue getting fans interested in a match they can't possibly deliver. Why not just challenge Austin or Rock while you're at it, Dave wonders. Fuck it, if you're gonna do dumb shit, at least go big. Scott Hall vs. Christopher in the main event was bad because Hall just returned from working IWA in Puerto Rico for several days and was pretty much on a drunken bender the whole time. And then Hall did a stretcher job to end the show, which was kinda lessened by Francine having done the same thing 30 minutes earlier. And there we go. After only 5 shows, this shit is already WCW 2000 all over again.
Despite all the publicity they got, TNA also barely made any mention of the angle last week with the Tennessee Titans football players. Apparently the players caught some shit from the Titans GM for it and since they aren't coming back and they can't do a match or anything with them, TNA decided to just forget it happened.
In case you're wondering why TNA hasn't made a play for Scott Steiner yet, apparently he and Jeff Jarrett had been friends for years, especially during the WCW days, but they recently had a falling out of some kind. Hence, TNA has no interest in using him.
The reason WWE is running back-to-back tapings for Raw and Smackdown next month in Seattle is to test the market. WWE did a site check last month at Safeco Field for next year's Wrestlemania, but there's question as to whether the Seattle market will be able to sell out a big stadium like that, so the decision was made to do this. If they have a double-sellout both nights, that'll pretty much guarantee that Seattle gets Wrestlemania. If the shows do poorly, they may reconsider and select a new city (I guess these shows end up doing okay).
The Rock is set to star in another major movie, this time a $100 million budget production based on the video game SpyHunter. The hope is to have the movie out around Christmas 2003, in order to cross-promote it with the new video game coming out around that time. This adds more to Rock's Hollywood plate and it's looking like he's going to be around wrestling even less next year (this movie ends up stuck in developmental hell for years and never gets made, but Rock ends up doing the voice for the video game in 2009 instead).
Dave isn't sure why yet, but the long-planned Hogan vs. Vince match at Summerslam is now off. Dave suspects they may be holding off until Wrestlemania, which is great if they have a long-term plan and now that they're doing the Bischoff vs. Stephanie storyline, Vince is planning to take himself off TV for a little while anyway. So we'll see. In the meantime, the whole mess last week with Triple H talking Vince out of getting slapped by John Cena because "nobody should be laying hands on Vince until the Hogan match" ended up being for nothing.
Notes from Smackdown: in talking about Stephanie McMahon trying to be a babyface, Dave says she's basically the wrong person for this gimmick but she's a McMahon, so what are ya gonna do? He also jokes that "when this thing goes down and I write the book, I think my title will be "Wrestling Promoters Should Be Banned From Having Children: Unless They Don't Allow Them To Work In Their Promotion." I dunno, seems wordy to me. They also did the bit with Stephanie as GM and all the wrestlers backstage watching on the monitors, leading Dave on a Cornette-style rant about how WWE can't even be bothered to separate heels and faces in different locker rooms and it takes you out of the show when they're all sitting around backstage together watching the TV and carrying on conversations. Sure, kayfabe is already dead, but can we at least try to create an illusion of it within the show itself? This was also the last Smackdown before the PPV and there was some discussion over the finish of the Rock vs. Angle match. Paul Heyman and Michael Hayes wanted Rock to lose clean to the ankle lock, since he was winning the title on Sunday anyway and Angle was doing the job. Pat Patterson and Triple H argued against it, saying Rock shouldn't be tapping to anyone, even though Angle's gimmick right now is that he can make everyone tap (even Hogan last month). So instead, we got the Undertaker run-in DQ finish and Dave says this kinda shit is why WWE is unable to create long-term storylines. There was also a bunch of bickering with Heyman, Triple H and Hayes over the finish of the Jericho/Cena match as well, which Jericho was apparently upset about.
In an online chat this week, Goldberg didn't rule out going to WWE but said he hasn't met with anyone in the company. He also said that if WWE had kept Vince Russo, then there's zero chance he would have gone. When asked about Japan, he only said he's considering all offers. Goldberg is said to have no interest in the WWE schedule and is content with the idea of working a few big shows a year in Japan. That's all well and good but Dave says the reality is that the biggest money opportunity for Goldberg is in WWE, where there's several dream matches that would do huge PPV business and earn him far more money than he can ever make in Japan. WWE also gives you the kind of celebrity exposure in America that can open up acting roles. But the problem is, giving Goldberg a reduced schedule could cause some issues in the locker room. Then again, Rock and Hogan are already working reduced schedules.
This week's episode of WWE Confidential was the best of the series yet, focusing on the Bischoff and McMahon relationship. It was weird to see these two, out of character, reminiscing about a time when they legitimately would have gladly killed each other. They even showed Bischoff's 1990 WWF audition tape.
Various WWF notes: Kevin Nash did an interview and said he has spoken to Steve Austin since the walkout and gave his opinion on why Austin left. "I think Steve was burned out. He's got a broken neck, bad knees and a bad back. I know what it feels like when I wake up every morning. And he's had a couple multi-million years. Maybe it just isn't worth it to him anymore." Bischoff did a radio interview and noted he's been in L.A. constantly pitching TV ideas and said there's no interest in wrestling anywhere in Hollywood right now. Vince and Linda McMahon have purchased a new vacation condo in Boca Raton, FL. It's an 8-bedroom 10,000 sqft. condo on the 7th and 8th floors of the Excelsior hotel. The double-unit condo recently appraised for 14 million.
DDP did an interview and admitted that the stalker angle was the most disappointing thing he's ever done in wrestling because he wanted so badly for it to work and it flopped. DDP also said that Steve Austin hasn't called him since he was forced to retire and admitted he was kind of hurt by it. He said he knows Austin is going through a lot right now, but they're friends and if Austin can't take the time to care about what's going on in his life, then he can't be bothered to waste time worrying about whatever Austin is going through either.
NEXT WEDNESDAY:Mainstream stories about wrestling deaths in the works, TNA files lawsuit accusing marketing firm of defrauding the company, Observer Hall of Fame preview, TNA in deep financial trouble, and more...
2020.07.07 17:49 MisnominalPsychotic 'Juggalo' In the Park who wouldn't let My boyfriend and I leave.
Ill start this off by saying that I live in a large city in Florida, and in this city we have a large homeless population. Most of the homeless in the city are mentally unwell, and the city officials do nothing to help them. I (25/F) recently started dating this guy named Daniel (30/M), and after going out to eat we decided to visit the park for some time outdoors. It was a beautiful day and we decided to sit on a bench under some shade and play 20 questions to get to know one another better- and to make out if I am being entirely honest. We had been sitting and talking for about half an hour when this man approached us. He had paint all over his face but it looked like he had gotten caught in the rain with the way it was wiped off and smeared everywhere. He was wearing a dirty white shirt and jeans filled with holes, and a pair of shoes that looked like they were falling apart. I was a bit offset not by his clothing, but by the paint all over his face, it was really out of place in the park we were at. He started off by asking us if we knew of anyone hiring right now, to which myself and my boyfriend told him we didn't, as both of us had not even been working much with the pandemic going on. After every sentence he uttered he would laugh 'Awh heh heh heh HEH' (<- Exactly that sound EVERY TIME) He then told us his name was 'Zander', he was a Juggalo who used to beat box for a living. He recently was released from jail, for assault and he was just trying to get together enough money to get back to Ohio. My boyfriend was a lot nicer than I was, (I just kind of stared at the guy) and asked him where we could find him if we heard of any job opportunities. The guy told us that he sat at 'x' gas station every day from 10am until 2pm and then wandered around looking for work the rest of the day. He then plopped down (right on the path out of the park, by the open entrance) and told us he was really glad we would actually talk to him. (Remember, he is laughing almost manically after EVERY sentence.) He said the one of the last people that he tried to talk too had ignored him, and he pulled a knife on her and threatened her. (We think this is why he went to jail?) He then asked if he could beat box for us, and my boyfriend said 'Sure, we would love to hear it!' He was blocking our way out of the park and I was terrified at this point. Zander then proceeded to take off his hat and shoes and throw them down the sidewalk- though I have no idea why, and beat boxed for us. He was actually really good, but I was too scared to care at the time. I was assuming that if we slighted him in any way then we were going to get injured. There was no way for me to safely call the police, and the park was nearly empty aside from us. Zander then went on to talk about how he had a pet squirrel, and a pet dog and they helped him when he was alone on the streets, asked us to let him know if we knew of anyone getting rid of any Pitbull puppies, cuz his last dog had just been taken from him from the police, and he could really use another one. He pulled a pocket knife out of his jeans and started cutting at his pants with it. He then told me that if I knew of any girls who 'were not too clingy' to send them his way because he would treat them right, and take care of them. We had been sitting there with Zander for over an hour and a half , and I was close to tears at this point. A police car drove past the park with their sirens on right then, and Zander abruptly stood up, shoved his open pocket knife back in his pocket, nodded at us, and hurried away across the park.
Going through old issues of the Wrestling Observer Newsletter and posting highlights in my own words. For anyone interested, I highly recommend signing up for the actual site at f4wonline and checking out the full archives. PREVIOUSLY:
We start with more on the death of Davey Boy Smith, including a full-length super long obituary, because apparently 2002 is nothing but people dying. I feel like I've done nothing but recap obituaries since starting back with 2002. Anyway. in the wake of Smith's death, the reaction has sadly not been one of surprise. Anyone who saw Smith in the last 4-5 years pretty much saw it coming. The cause of death, pending toxicology results, was ruled a heart attack caused from prolonged steroid use. But until the toxicology results are back, the belief among his friends and family is that there was probably more to it. Dave talks about the staggering number of wrestlers who have died under age 40 in recent years, with upwards of 20 of them being due to drug issues.
Smith died while on vacation with his girlfriend Andrea Hart, estranged wife of Bruce Hart. Despite that, Smith was actually on good terms with most of the Hart family, although Andrea is not. The Hart family believes Andrea knows more than she's letting on about the circumstances of his death, but she's not talking to anybody. Andrea's children (that she had with Bruce) were also there and they each apparently have different accounts of how he died (he was sleeping! he was in the pool! he was eating!) but they all pretty much agree he collapsed doing whatever he was doing. Andrea told the press that she believed Smith had overdosed, but Smith's dad did his own interviews and denied it, saying his son had stopped using drugs and was clean when he died. Needless to say, most people aren't buying that given his track record. Smith's father decided against having the body cremated and instead ordered it sent back to England for examination to make sure he wasn't murdered. "I cannot believe his death was natural," he said. "If they find drugs in his body, then he didn't put them there. Davey was clean." (Eeeeeeehhhhh....) Shit got even messier when Andrea and Smith's ex-wife Diana Hart each tried to claim the body. Despite her book (in which she accused Smith of drugging, abusing, and raping her), Diana played grieving widow in the media even though they're divorced. It may not have been an act though. Some in the family believe Smith and Diana were trying to reconcile, and they were on good terms at the time of his death. Andrea claimed to be his common-law wife, even though she's still legally married to Bruce. She later claimed Smith had proposed to her 2 weeks before his death and said they were engaged, which was the first anyone had heard about that. Smith's father claims in their last conversation, Davey Boy had told him he was planning to break up with Andrea after their vacation. So who knows. Anyway, both Diana and Andrea planned their own separate memorial services, while Smith's dad is planning his own 3rd service. Smith's body wasn't at either of the Hart family memorial services because, as mentioned, it was sent back to England where authorities are launching an investigation at the behest of Smith's father.
Andrea's service was said to be small and simple, just a few dozen people, and she seemed sincere in her sorrow. Diana's service was larger and more public, with hundreds of attendees and press, along with several WWE names. Vince McMahon, Hulk Hogan, Bret Hart (who attended both services), Chris Benoit, Chris Jericho, Jim Ross, and others all attended and several of them spoke. Diana's eulogy featured a professionally produced video featuring Davey Boy footage from WWE that had never aired on television before. She thanked Vince for trying to help Davey with his addiction issues. She never acknowledged everything she wrote about him in her book last year. Smith's children as well as Stampede wrestler TJ Wilson gave speeches as well. 16-year-old Harry Smith was composed and gave a great speech about teaming with his father in his last matches. And then Ellie Hart got up there and....it went about how you'd expect. She started ranting about Andrea and blaming her for not giving the family the answers they wanted and it started to turn into some drama, but the minister gently interrupted her and got things back on track. And finally, Bret Hart gave a speech, directly addressing Smith's children and saying that Davey Boy and Owen would want the children of all these Hart family members to get along with each other better than the adults have. From here, Dave gets into the actual meat of the obituary, recapping Smith's life and career. As always, an excellent read but very long to recap.
WWE Confidential, the new show the company is producing, aired its debut episode this week, focusing on the Montreal Screwjob. Dave once again talks about how Vince McMahon tried to downplay the incident recently, giving an interview just a couple of months ago calling the Screwjob a minor incident that almost no one cares about. Vince went so far as to say he could count on one hand the number of people who even still care about that old news. Turns out one of those must be Vince because this week, they dedicated the premiere of this new show to the story and highlighted it as the most controversial night in the history of wrestling. The hook of the show was Shawn Michaels revealing publicly, for the first time, that yes, he was in on the screwjob and knew about it in advance. Dave says this isn't really a secret. Shawn denied having any knowledge of it that night but as soon as the day after Survivor Series 97, he was bragging to friends about it. Vince McMahon also later confided in Undertaker that Shawn knew ahead of time. So it was kind of an open "secret" that Shawn knew but this is the first time he's admitted it publicly. Triple H still denies knowing about it ahead of time, but Dave is pretty skeptical there too (and indeed, it's later revealed that yes indeed, Triple H also knew). Dave thinks lots of people had to know. Even the guy who cued the music had to know, because Shawn's music was queued up and ready to play the second Vince ordered the bell to be rung. Pat Patterson always claimed not to know and Bret has said he wants to believe it, because he likes Pat, but the way Pat interrupted the match-planning conversation and specifically suggested the sharpshooter spot to them makes Bret question it (I think Patterson still denies it to this day, but I have my doubts there too). Anyway, the show recapped the history of the Screwjob and if you know Dave, you know he's about to poke a whole bunch of holes in WWE's revisionist bullshit. Here we go...
The story of the episode was WWF was close to going out of business due to the WCW war and couldn't afford Bret anymore, so Vince nobly allowed Hart out of his contract so he could negotiate a better deal with WCW. Actually, Dave says, Vince first talked to Bret about deferring some of his contract to later on but that was a couple months earlier. At the time, WWF really was having some financial struggles, but it's an exaggeration to say they were almost driven out of business. They were never even close. But regardless, that's irrelevant because in Sept. 97, they raised the price of PPVs by $10. That added revenue, which was nearly $1 million per month in pure profit, was easily enough to get them out of financial trouble. By the time Survivor Series 97 rolled around, WWF was doing just fine, money-wise, and were only a couple months away from catching fire and getting nuclear hot. So no, they did not need to get rid of Bret's contract. And in fact, in October, a couple weeks before Survivor Series, Vince changed his mind and asked Bret to stay, saying that the financial situation had turned around. But by this point, Hart's negotiations with WCW were full speed ahead and Vince allowed Hart to continue negotiating. But after talking to both sides, it was clear Vince had no real plan for Bret and he didn't really seem like he wanted to keep him, so Bret took the WCW deal and the rest is history. But of course, none of that is mentioned in this show. The episode also claimed Hart refused to drop the title to anyone (again, not true. Only Shawn. Bret even offered to lose it to Brooklyn Brawler if they wanted. In fact, Dave breaks down all the different scenarios that were presented here, and Bret was willing to lose the title to anyone other than Shawn, anywhere other than that show in Montreal, at any date before or after the PPV. They had actually presented Bret with dozens of different scenarios, all of which he agreed to, only for Vince to keep coming back around to Shawn at Survivor Series, which was the one and only thing Bret wouldn't budge on). They also tried to paint the picture that Bret could have taken the title to WCW the night after Survivor Series. In fact, Bret's WWF contract didn't end until Dec. 1st, and he was booked on more than a dozen house shows after Survivor Series and had even agreed to work the early December PPV because Bischoff had given his blessing. There was zero chance Bret was going to show up with the belt on Nitro. There was concern that Bischoff would go on Nitro the next day and announce he had signed Bret, and Dave says it's true that Bischoff certainly was planning to do that. But Bret had also asked Bischoff to hold off on the announcement and Bischoff had agreed. Vince knew about that too, but in recorded conversations with Bret (from the Wrestling With Shadows documentary), Vince didn't seem concerned since the word was already out and everyone knew Bret was leaving already. This just goes on and on. We all know the story already. Anyway, TL;DR - interesting show, but WWE's version of the story is bullshit. But we all knew that.
At the latest NJPW show, Antonio Inoki came out and cut a promo. He talked about being in attendance recently at the World Cup and said wrestling needs something like that. Inoki claimed he had put together a deal with WWE for a joint NJPW/WWE show to take place later in the year. Dave doesn't know if there's any truth to that story, but this is the first he's heard of it and he doesn't think it makes any sense for WWE so he's skeptical.
Usually in Japan, TV-Asahi airs the finals of NJPW's G1 Climax tournament live. But this year that may not happen, as they're looking at airing one of Inoki's MMA shows instead. This is a direct result of the terrible rating the recent Tokyo Dome show drew when it aired live. This company is struggling mightily lately.
Random news and notes: Inoki recently recruited a 23-year old Brazillian MMA fighter named Lyoto Machida to come to NJPW (he never really does anything in NJPW other than train at the dojo, but he had a long career in UFC and still fights for Bellator to this day). Dusty Rhodes is the new co-host of Turner South's Atlanta Braves pre-game show called "Hey The Braves Are Next!" Scott Hall will be working Insane Clown Posse's upcoming Gathering of the Juggalos event. Former WCW wrestler Evan Karagis recently filmed a role on the soap opera "Passions."
In the main event of FOX's Celebrity Boxing show, Chyna lost by decision to Joey Buttafuoco. Chyna's mystique of being a woman who only wants to compete with men got pretty much obliterated here, as the larger Buttafuoco manhandled her with ease for much of the match, which probably makes all those big tough wrestlers who sold for her feel kinda silly. But Buttafuoco came in as a hated heel to the audience and despite how she got pummeled, many people felt Buttafuoco was fighting dirty and cheating, so Chyna wasn't too hurt by it. She talked about wanting a rematch and Dave says if PRIDE really wants to break into the U.S. market, they could throw it onto one of their cards. Hey, this show did a really strong TV rating, maybe a rematch would be just the kind of freak-show attraction needed for PRIDE to get attention in the U.S. Nothing else they've tried has worked. Dave also suggests NWA-TNA could book it, but a worked wrestling match between the two probably wouldn't get as much media attention.
Big Dick Dudley's ex-wife, former ECW valet Elektra, did an interview talking about his death. She said he'd had stomach pains all week and couldn't urinate. But didn't go to the doctor because he didn't think it was a big deal. Then at one point he got up to go to the bathroom but collapsed on the floor and died there on the spot. Jeez. At the time of his death, he had lost over 100 pounds from his peak weight of 320 in ECW several years ago.
Vince Russo is going to be writing a book about his time in WWF. Due to legal reasons and the ongoing lawsuit, it won't include much about his WCW tenure (I think he's written a book or two, but I've never read them, so if anyone has any insight, feel free to share).
Shaun Assael's book "Sex, Lies, & Headlocks: The Real Story of Vince McMahon and the World Wrestling Federation" will be published next month and is getting strong early reviews. Dave has talked to several of the people who spoke with Assael for the book and some of them expect it to be good while others feel that Assael fell victim to the cons and charms of wrestlers who were working him. We shall see, says Dave.
The debut NWA-TNA PPV will feature some sort of tournament to crown a new NWA champion. Dan Severn is no longer the champion after not agreeing to work the show (he already had a prior MMA booking for that date in New Mexico). As a result, the NWA (which is now working with TNA) just stripped him of the belt, which is convenient because they didn't really want to use Severn anyway, so now they can do whatever they originally planned to do with the belt without having to book an excuse to get it off him. The Jarretts and this new promotion now have full control over both the NWA world and tag team titles.
Mike Tenay has been named the lead announcer for the new NWA-TNA promotion. They're also trying to get Lex Luger to appear for the debut show, but Dave thinks its unlikely since Luger is financially set for life and has shown no interest in doing any wrestling since WCW folded.
Jeff Jarrett had talks with Bret Hart about coming in to do a Team Canada gimmick. Latest Dave heard is that Hart isn't interested, but they may bring in some of the new generation of Harts for it. There's been talk of bringing in TJ Wilson, Harry Smith, and Teddy Hart as a new version of the group. Smith is still only 16 and it's way too early to put him on the national stage yet and in a lot of states, he wouldn't even legally be allowed to perform. Wilson is also a teenager, from a bad home who pretty much grew up as an honorary Hart member in the Hart household. And Teddy Hart is a natural in-ring performer who would already be in WWE if not for the fact that during his two training camp tryouts, he had behavioral incidents both times. But they're all talented and will likely be big stars in the future. Last time WWE was in Calgary, Vince McMahon personally requested to meet with all 3 of them for a private tryout, but it didn't amount to anything.
Little bit of a change in the WWF writing teams. Brian Gewertz is now the official head writer for Raw, while Paul Heyman is the lead writer for Smackdown. Stephanie McMahon will continue to oversee creative for both shows and, of course, Vince still has final say on everything. Dave expects this to result in Raw being a more comedic show while Smackdown will be the more serious in-ring product (pretty much, yeah. And thus, we have the official beginning of Heyman-era Smackdown and soon we'll see the birth of the Smackdown Six).
Notes from Raw: show opened with Chris Benoit making his unannounced return to a huge pop. Dave still expects Benoit to eventually be managed by Arn Anderson, which has been the plan for months (and never happens). That was actually the original plan before the NWO was brought in. If Benoit was healthy in time (which, turned out he wasn't so it didn't matter anyway), the original idea was Benoit vs. Austin at Wrestlemania 18 with Anderson managing Benoit. But that obviously all changed. Anyway, what else? Dave once again mentions that Jeff Hardy looks physically awful. He seems to know about Hardy's drug issues and seems to be hinting about it without saying it. Tommy Dreamer continued his gross gimmick by drinking Undertaker's tobacco spit. Lesnar beat Bubba Ray Dudley but had to sell a ton in the match and Dave doesn't get it. For a guy that they so clearly want to turn into a Goldberg-like star, selling for midcarders every week isn't how Goldberg got over. Jim Ross went on and on about how Lesnar has never been pinned, which Dave says is an insult to all the fans who have seen Lesnar do jobs at house shows. RVD beat Eddie Guerrero in a 20+ minute ladder match and Dave says it's the longest match on Raw in at least a year. Dave gives it 4 stars and considering how messy and sloppy it was, that shows you how good it was. Lots of dangerous spots, some botched moves, and most notably a moment when a fan ran into the ring and knocked over the ladder while Eddie was climbing up. Eddie and Earl Hebner started stomping the fan until security dragged him out. Still an awesome match though. And finally, Benoit returned at the end of the show and turned heel on Austin. Dave says Benoit actually isn't ready yet and isn't supposed to be back in the ring until July, but the company is so desperate for anything to give them a shot in the arm that they may have pulled the trigger on this angle early.
Notes from Smackdown: the only thing Dave talks about is the Hulk Hogan retirement angle they did and he's got mixed feelings on it. First the positive: he gives Hogan credit for being an absolutely incredible performer when the heat is on. And Hogan gave a tremendous performance in this and Dave doesn't let it go unrecognized. But then the negative: in the promo, Hogan talked at length about when his dad was dying, he was basically expressionless except for Monday and Thursday nights when he'd watch WWF and his face would light up. So Hogan said his dad's last words were he wanted to see his son return to the WWF. So that's all sweet and nice, right? Weeeeeell....Hogan has told a different version of this story in the past. In previous interviews, Hogan said his dad was disgusted by what wrestling had become and he wanted Hogan to "clean it up." The idea that he was laying in the hospital and only coming to life when his beloved WWF was on doesn't exactly jibe with what Hogan has said before. And no matter what the truth is, Dave is uncomfortable Hogan using his dead dad as a way to get this storyline over, but hey, he ain't the first and won't be the last.
WWE's first show in Hawaii in probably 15 years is scheduled for later this month. Rock is scheduled to work the show and tickets sold out 2 hours after they went on sale. While we're at it, the Australia show in August also sold out the 47,000-seat Colonial Stadium in Melbourne in only 4 days. Once they scale the stadium for production, they plan to open up more seats.
It's "basically a sure thing" that Hogan vs. Vince McMahon will be one of the top matches at Summerslam. How they get there seems to change weekly. There's been talks of having Hogan take time off after King of the Ring and return for the Vince match at Summerslam. There's also been talk of him sticking around through the entire summer. So who knows? (Ended up being a mixture of both: Hogan stuck around the entire summer, but then he did an angle to get written off TV right before Summerslam. And he didn't come back until early 2003. And, of course, we got the Hogan/Vince match at Wrestlemania)
More info on the incident from a couple weeks ago where Kevin Nash and X-Pac reportedly threw a fit and got the script changed. They were told by writer Ed Koskey what the plans were for them on the show. Nash and X-Pac didn't like it, especially X-Pac since it involved him doing 2 jobs during the same show. X-Pac said he was quitting and told Nash he'd meet him in the car. Nash told Shane McMahon he'd go calm X-Pac down and straighten everything out. Nash and X-Pac came back, had meetings with Shane and Jim Ross, and then later with Koskey and Brian Gewertz (who wrote the show). They managed to convince the writers to change it more to their liking. Nash was also upset about how Ric Flair went on TV and said he'd fired Scott Hall. Nash didn't like the idea of Flair on TV being able to hire and fire people from their NWO, because that kinda takes away from the idea of the NWO as an autonomous, outsider group that doesn't play by WWE's rules. So that's why Nash was able to go out on TV on this night and cut the promo about how Flair doesn't control the NWO. Of course, Hall is still gone, so I guess he still does. Anyway, both Nash and X-Pac were pissed over all this and caused a scene, especially X-Pac, to the point others in the locker room wondered why they weren't disciplined instead of being given their way. But if you wonder that, you clearly ain't been paying attention to Nash over the years. Anyway, X-Pac still did the job in the Hardyz match, but not in the second match.
Random news: house shows in Alexandria and Baton Rouge, LA were both canceled this weekend due to low ticket sales. Shit's selling out in record time in Australia and Hawaii, but they can't give tickets away in Louisiana apparently. Undertakers hips were both banged up after the Hogan match at the PPV but he continued working, although he was limited (and years later, he'd have to get major surgery on both those hips). At Raw in Edmonton, Ric Flair was getting huge pops and "woo!" chants for him before the show started, so they filmed a backstage segment where he told Arn Anderson how much he hates Edmonton so they would boo him when he came out live. Lance Cade won the HWA title from Johnny the Bull down in developmental. WWF was pushing the city of Edmonton to present Benoit with the key to the city on Raw, but Edmonton wasn't so keen on the idea. And finally, during a bikini contest at the house show in Winnipeg, Ivory's top got pulled down, exposing her boob, much to the delight of many in the crowd.
Remember how MTV's The Osbournes was the only show routinely beating Raw in the cable ratings? That's changing. The Osbournes is over for the season, but this week, Raw fell to #4 behind the Lakers/Spurs NBA playoff game and 2 different episodes of SpongeBob. Patrick's a draw, brother.
Raven has been doing commentary on Sunday Night Heat, but he recently asked to be removed from it because he feels like it hurts his wrestling character. Dave thinks this is pretty risky. Raven as a wrestler is probably nearing the end of his shelf-life and lord knows WWE hasn't shown any desire to push him. And he was actually pretty fantastic at commentary. So giving up a safe job that he was excelling at for one that WWE doesn't really seem to see any value in him for seems like a good way to find yourself on the chopping block next time they decide to get rid of some people (yup, he'll be gone from the company in another 7 months or so). For what it's worth though, this isn't the first time Raven has been in this situation. Back in the 90s, he was a manager and commentator in WWF then too, under the name Johnny Polo. But when they weren't interested in using him as a wrestler, he quit the company and reinvented himself in ECW as Raven. Sometimes you gotta bet on yourself.
Jim Ross has a weekly WWE.com article where he usually just shares all the latest injuries everyone has. This leads Dave on a bit of a tangent when Ross wrote about how Triple H has a fractured patella. The injury was diagnosed by Dr. James Andrews in Birmingham and Andrews told Triple H to be careful with it, but he could continue wrestling as long as he can take the pain. Basically one of the world's top sports doctors saying, "Yeah you've got a broken knee, but throw some dirt on it, you'll be fine." It's no wonder so many of these guys end up on pain pills rather than getting the medical treatment they need.
Also in his article, Jim Ross admitted that the WWE is not doing a good job lately of providing a product the fans want to see. Dave thinks that's just about as strong a statement he's heard on the current state of WWE from someone so high up within the company. Ross admitted they need to create new rivalries, elevate new young talent, and effectively introduce new stars. However, Ross also blamed the economy and the abnormally high number of injuries everyone is dealing with right now for part of the problems too. Dave says the economy may play a small role in the declining live event and PPV numbers, but usually when the economy is in the toilet, TV ratings go up because people are staying home more. Not the case here. Injuries, yes that's a problem for sure. But the core of all WWE's problems right now comes down to the simple fact that the show pretty much sucks. And at least someone high up in the office seems to finally be publicly admitting it.
Tough Enough 2 is down to the final four. Dave talks about how Jackie Gayda is now the sentimental favorite because she tore her ACL during the show but has still refused to quit, which opened a lot of eyes on her. Speaking of Tough Enough, in a WCW-like comedy of errors, they aired a promo for next week's episode before the current episode was finished, thus spoiling who the final 4 were going to be, before it was revealed on the show people were watching.
The WWF Forceable Entry album has sold around 364,000 copies total since its release. But it's actually considered a pretty huge failure because WWF had to pay so much money in fees and up front advances to the various artists on the album, and they're nowhere close to recouping that cost. (The album eventually sells over 500,000 and goes gold but still a flop).
NEXT WEDNESDAY:A look at the dismal state of WWE in 2002, Tough Enough II finale, Riki Choshu's departure from NJPW, Dave reviews several new wrestling books, and more...
2020.06.11 16:26 EvilmentalhamsterThe Gang Deserves Better
I've just discovered that Netflix UK have removed "Dee Reynolds: Shaping America's Youth" presumably because of Black Lives Matter. This saddens me and I'll explain why. As I'm sure you are all aware, the Always Sunny guys are some of the most intelligent, woke and kind celebrities out there. To take down this episode is insulting and unhelpful. By taking this action, Netflix have actively removed a piece of satire that supports black people and their struggles against racism. Perhaps Netflix needs a reminder of what satire actually is? Well, here's the definition: the use of humour, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticise people's stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues. ... Every episode could be studied in depth for satire and how it critiques modern life but I don't have time for that unfortunately so here's a brief look at Always Sunny's fantastic satirical comedy: Season 1, Episode 1 - The Gang Gets Racist: Straight from the get go, you get an insight to how these guys are going to work. The very title tells you that this is satire. To be 'racist' you are defined as someone who shows prejudice and discrimination; you are fundamentally shown as someone who is wrong and is judging unfairly and incorrectly. The show is informing the viewer that the characters in this comedy are not people to look up to or aspire to be. This is important for the first episode of a tv show because it sets out its stall and tells you what sort of show it will be. The episode itself plays with the theme of white and straight privilege. It breaks down how straight, white people have historically used communities for their own gain but also studies the awkwardness in which straight white people behave around the communities too. Crucially, the episode shows how this privilege also shuns these communities when they feel that they have nothing more to gain from it. - Dee feigns interest in Terrell's promoting skills so that she can have sex with him. When she finds out that he is gay and that she can't benefit from him, she turns on him and plots to ruin his influence. - Mac, who is uncomfortable with his own preconceptions of other communities, also plots with Dee to ruin Terrell's success. - Charlie uses Terrell's sister, Janell, to try and prove that he isn't racist which, in itself, is a form of racism. -Dennis exploits the new homosexual cliental only to renege on this when he actually ends up having a homosexual encounter. None of these characters are set up to be heroes to the audience. You can look at one and think they are less reprehensible than the other but you cannot look at them as the paragon of human life. Straight away, we know that these characters are satire. Season 2, Episode 2 - The Gang Goes Jihad: A highly critical and satirical episode about anti-semitism and terrorism. To know this is satire, all you really need to read is this bit of information from The Always Sunny Wiki: "This episode makes many references to tensions between Israel and Palestinian people, particularly in the plotline involving an Israeli telling someone else that he owns land that the other people had been occupying for a long time. In real life, Danny DeVito (whose own politics are probably the complete opposite of Frank's) has been a spokesman for the OneVoice Movement, which seeks a peaceful, negotiated settlement to the issue of Palestinian statehood." Season 3, Episode 9 - Sweet Dee's Dating A Retarded Person: Another look at prejudice and how people skew their own feelings and opinions because of how other people judge them. The whole crux of the episode is Dee dating the rapper, Lil Kevin, and how, through Dennis's judgement, it comes to end. The other members of the gang also show their vanity and hubris as they decide that they are better than Lil Kevin because of their own preconceived ideas of him and therefore chase a music career because surely they can do it if he can. This episode is a fantastic example of obvious satire because it categorically shows you that the gang were wrong in their actions. Lil Kevin gets the last laugh on all of them as he destroys their attempts to perform to a crowd and also shows Dee how judgemental and wrong she was. Season 6, Episode 1 - Mac Fights Gay Marriage: An episode that drips with hypocrisy from Mac as he tries to break up the marriage of his ex Carmen and her husband. You know that every argument he makes is redundant because of his previous affiliations with Carmen. As a viewer, you are firmly put into the position of siding with Carmen because every one of Mac's attempts to disprove their love is shutdown. Context of Rob McElhenney's life also lends to the satirical nature of this episode. He happily grew with two mums and his character fights gay marriage... Satire. Season 6, Episode 9 - Dee Reynolds: Shaping America's Youth: The episode that's been taken down... By now, it is very well established that this show is one of satire and the characters are not people to follow or believe. They are caricatures of how real people exist and function. The elephant in the room here, and the whole reason that Netflix have chosen to remove the episode is because of the use of black face. Now, I will explain a little bit later why this is purely reactionary and is dripping with fake care but for now, let's just breakdown why this episode is important, why this episode isn't racist and why, most importantly, it is anti-racist. I'm going to do this in a slightly different and more detailed way to how I discussed the other episodes:
Dee Reynolds is clearly established as someone who should not be 'Shaping America's Youth' because she has been consistently shown as crass, selfish and racist (her characters like Martina Martinez feed into the argument of the show being anti-racist). Even if you hadn't seen the show before, she is established as rude and unfit for a learning environment right from the outset with how she speaks to guys on the phone. Because we, as the audience, know that she shouldn't be 'Shaping America's Youth' we know that whatever she does with her class will be wrong and, even if she has the best intentions, she will have a negative effect on the young people.
Charlie is shown to be popular as an employee in the school but again isn't shown as someone who should necessarily be trusted or looked up to. One of the first things he does is to take a piece of fruit out of the bin and, along with comedic effect, this is used to show you that he isn't a perfect person. So when he protects Richie from the bullies we can appreciate that as a good act but also recognise that he isn't someone who will necessarily change Richie's life for the better (something that is proven at the end of the episode).
Mac & Frank argue that black face is something that is acceptable and that there are many great forms of it. This is very cleverly done and importantly sets the context around what we will see next in the episode. We know, from their arguments, that both black face and their understanding of black actors in the industry is wrong. Both of them create their own truths to wilfully ignore black representation in media. Frank's comments are more obviously racist as he talks about shoe polish and making the 'lips funny'. These comments aren't said for the audience to laugh and agree with him. The joke isn't aimed at black people and how black people look. The joke is aimed directly at Frank and his horrible misconceptions of black face. There is also a clever line showing white privilege over black actors as Frank is convinced that James Earl Jones is a white man because of Darth Vader. Instead of believing that a black man could be such a significant pop culture icon, Frank whitewashes it by simply believing that James Earl Jones was the man revealed to be under the mask of Darth Vader. Mac's comments serve to undermine black actors basically with the claim that white people may be better actors. He likens white people acting as black people to Ian Mckellen acting as a wizard. This comment is obviously ludicrous but, to help solidify the ridiculousness of this comment, he makes a homophobic comment about the actor shooting laser beams up 'his boyfriend's asshole'. Mac is shown to be a judgemental bigot and not someone to be trusted. Both characters are shown to be wrong with their opinions about putting black face on white actors. This is clear.
Dennis is shown to be obviously against the idea of black face but this doesn't mean that he is shown to be completely right in his opinions of the industry as his use of voice shows. Yes, Dennis is correct that black face shouldn't be used but he too ultimately ignores that black people are underrepresented in media because he willingly stereotypes them for his own gain. Because of Dennis's use of a stereotypical and caricatural voice, he too is shown to be someone who shouldn't be trusted.
All 5 main characters have now been shown in one single episode to be untrustworthy and satirical in some way. The previous episodes and seasons aren't required to know that the show is laughing at them and not with them.
When Dee phones up the guys to play her class a film (something again showing her as irresponsible because she's going to do so in a bar), the guys railroad her to use children in their debate. Again, they are shown to be foolish and reprehensible because they plan to use other people for their own gain and self-interest.
When the film is on, they have chosen to show their own film which is clearly shown to be bad and indecent. Frank's sex scene really nails down how inappropriate the entire film is. The fact that the students enjoy the film doesn't prove anything about the use of black face because, like modern cinema and media, sex and violence becomes the sole focus of the film. Even the gang forget about their debate because they become consumed with the story in the film instead of the controversy surrounding it. All they care about now is that people are enjoying their film and that they're getting recognition for it. They do not care about the debate of exploitation anymore because it has brought them perceived success. Again, this is a criticism of the media using people for success without any thought of repercussions.
The episode ends showing the negative effect that the whole gang had on Richie's life and how they have influenced him to do something wrong. Even if Dennis, Mac and Frank are unaware of it, they have created negative repercussions because of their actions. The Principal, who acts as the voice of reason, highlights that there is a direct correlation between their film and Richie's following actions. It is acknowledged by every character at that point that the black face was wrong and that it has resulted in something negative. I think it's a good point here to note the irony of Richie moving from being a Juggalo to someone doing black face. I don't know a whole lot about the Insane Clown Posse but I do know that they are very politically minded against racism and bigotry. It was definitely not a mistake that the gang influenced someone away from something that stands for good into something that stands for bad. The whole episode is about how the gang are wrong in what they think and what they do, with a wider emphasis on systemic racism in media and how it can negatively effect youth.
... Always Sunny is a tv series about satire. I've gone through a few of them above but there are SO MANY more examples of satirising and highlighting bigotry and prejudice in modern society. They have covered racism, homophobia, sexism, transphobia, elitism and more but have always done so with the absolute best intentions and have always satirised bigoted views. I know Netflix have been reactionary here and I know that they don't actually care about Black Lives Matter in this instance or about any other causes for equality. If they truly cared then they would know what Always Sunny stands for and why it has lasted as long as it has. This is a purely reactionary move without any thought because they are scared of being displayed as racist or uncaring but, the irony is, they are showing themselves as just that. The irony here is that Netflix are doing the exact thing that the Always Sunny guys would satirise and mock so brilliantly. Netflix are currently pulling off a 'The Gang Desperately Tries to Win An Award' by being fakely woke and wrongly making assumptions about what people think and want about their media. The Always Sunny guys aren't racist, Netflix, you are.
2020.05.21 10:12 bloodfistSpace Detective [Prime Video] is the most uniquely bad thing I've seen in a long time: a review
Trailer You know it's going to be a great B movie when there is zero question that the lead actor is also the writer and director. The main character, Shiro, is the ultimate cyber detective. On a Neon-noire planet-hopping case, he must wear sunglasses to protect his glowing cyber-eyes as he hunts killer robots and sexy cat ladies in search of a comically overpowered doomsday device. If any of that sounded cool, you're not imaging enough ponytail. Or MS Paint. The main actowritedirectomusician/grip/makeup/artist/(he's listed like 45 times in the credits) looks and sounds like he'd creep you out at a Vampire LARP. He's Hiro Protagonist from Snow Crash if Neil Stephenson wasn't joking. His emotionless deliveries and floor-length trench coat could be homages to Keanu Reeves in The Matrix but I get the feeling he brought both from home. Then there's the visual effects. Just.. So many visual effects. All the time. Every actor is filmed with this weird, super high contrast chroma key effect that makes it look like they wanted it to be rotoscoped like Sin City but didn't know what to Google. Bad CGI, live action footage, drawn art, and stock photos are haphazardly piled onto each frame with such disregard for concepts like color pallets and image composition that we were genuinely questioning whether everyone who worked on it was color blind. Definitely stick around for the final showdown which is filmed in beautiful goldenrod, with hints of purple. Also note how basically no two objects on screen ever have the same resolution. It honestly makes Neil Breen effects feel subtle. Then there's just.. Everything else about it. The references are so out of date, we couldn't guess what year it was made. It constantly lifts stuff straight from The Matrix, Star Wars, Sin City, Hitchhiker's Guide, and pretty much any other sci-fi property you can think of. Sometimes a reference, sometimes homage, and sometimes just straight up stolen plot points. And yet despite being the most derivative movie imaginable, it still manages to be one of the most singular viewing experiences I've ever had. For example, I was not prepared for the movie to pause for a few minutes to present a music video from what I can only describe as Space Juggalos. So, take all that, throw in a few racist alien voices, some really lame attempts at blue humor, and a sex scene with a catgirl. Bake for 20 minutes and then give up because you'll never make something this entrancing. See, the thing is, as much as I'm trashing this movie, and believe me it earned it, it has this weird heart to it that I kinda love. It's a disaster but you can tell it was a disaster that someone cared deeply about. Enough to rope their sister into playing a space prostitute. Enough to try to draw spaceships even though they don't know how. Enough to buy several Halloween masks. You can often tell what a creator thought a scene would look like, and I'd honestly love to see the movie this guy thought he was making. With any talent at all, we'd have gotten a campy fun cyberpunk film. But instead of talent he had raw determination and half a YouTube video about VFX, so we got a classic. Space Detective is an instant favorite in my house and one I'll probably come back to a bunch. In a golden age of bad cinema, it's so rare to find a bizarre treat like this one.
2020.04.30 22:17 LaughyThaWickidOneGathering in the matrix
Waddup ninjas and ninjettes tis i one of the dudes workin on an online gathering, we do not have exact dates yet but are possibly looking at august, but until then i want your feedback, what would you like to see from an online gathering of the juggalos? And we will do everything we can to make it happen...we have some ideas already, and soon we may open the discord server to the public so we can easier get your feedback, but before then please let me know in the comments section here, or you can reach me at my discord LaughyTheKlown#2146
2020.04.30 19:23 Kemo_SabiAlright. Who the hell is this Kemo guy?
Yo! I know some of you have seen me posting about my radio station I run and know nothing about me. Well, I'm going to try to let y'all know without this turning into a book. The first time I heard ICP was in the early 90's (yeah, I'm old school). One of my homies in high school had Beverly Kills on CD and it had just came out. We thought that shit was funny, but it didn't catch on right away with me. Fast forward years later and I was in a record store and saw the CD for Ringmaster. I pick it up and remembered who ICP was. Fast forward a few years and a girl I was dating pulled out The Great Milenko. I went to the record store and bought Riddle Box (I didn't know it was released) and Milenko. This was right before all the shit happened with Disney.... Anyway around this time....I started a horror rapcore band called Bad Seedz and we did covers of Piggy Pie and Chicken Huntin. We tried to get signed with Psychopathic, never heard from them (they ended up signing Zug Izland). I met J and Shaggy at a meet and greet in 1999 for the release of Jeckel Bros. They were really cool and signed my comic book "Upz N Downz Of The Wicked Clownz". My band broke up in 2001 and I ended up turning my back on the scene. I felt like I was getting too old for the new kids that were coming up and I was still bitter about the band split. I've been listening to the Juggalo stuff on and off since then. And recently, I decided to dust off my old shit and listen to the old school Psychopathic songs. I still feel like I'm too old for most of y'all in the scene, but I'm old school and as hard as it is for me to come to terms with it, I'm slowly getting there. When this pandemic hit, I decided to start doing pop up shows randomly on Friday nights. Me and some old school peeps did a couple of Juggalo shows and after I DJed a night of Juggalo music, I decided to do it every Friday night for the quarantine and play the old school Joker Cards after the show. If you guys are down, cool. If not, that's cool too. I understand. I've had to learn quick that the new kids are pretty different than the old school peeps. We had our time, and now it's yours. - Kemo
2020.04.04 08:15 Urine8The Fake Marvelous Missing Link
Fuck it. I know you disagree, but I think the Marvelous Missing Link is one of the best eras of ICP music. I am a huge fan of the Missing Link era and I wanted to do something to open your mind so maybe you could appreciate these songs for what they are. Between the two albums and the Outtakes I think there is a Joker's card that can hang with the best of them. I believe that this album is ICP making music for themselves. Notice how most of these songs have musical themes and choruses that aren't like anything else in their catalog. You don't hear Legz Diamond and the crowd chanting types of chorus, and that's a good thing. They've already made songs like that again and again. The Missing Link, in my opinion is them stretching their wings and not relying on the staples. I think when all is said and done these songs will last a lot longer and won't get played out anytime soon because they are deeper, smarter and meaningful. I'm asking you to listen to this playlist like it's the 3rd card of the second deck. I believe in this and I hate that ya'll are missing out on some of ICP's best music to date. Here is the link what I call "The Fake Marvelous Missing Link" Here's my Missing Link Joker's Card that should have been, along with why I chose that song. To listen along click here as long as the link isn't missing ;)
Lost Intro - The Outtakes - It's obvious that Lost is a Hell's Pit and Found has a Shangri-La vibe. Then you have the Outtakes which doesn't have a them but does include just as many good songs as what they put on the Joker's Card. In my opinion, they messed up with how all of this is organized, especially with Lost. Regardless, if you're turning the whole mess into one dope ass album, J singing the Lost Intro and Shaggy singing the Found intro is the only way to go.
Get Clowned - Found - All the Joker's Cards hit with a dope ass carnival friendly track that exemplifies what is about to go down. With Get Clowned, you gotta sit your ass down and get slapped as the carnival sounds and the dope ass chorus set the tune for a journey to the Dark Carnival years in the making!
Lost at the Carnival - Lost - First, you were having fun, now you are lost at the carnival and shit is going down. With the album starting like this, it hits like the Great Milenko. It's all about entertainment with the dark undertones that shit is about to get dark. Bonus -- this is one of the best hook/chorus in ICP's catalog. Play it loud, play it proud. The Carnival is real.
Falling Apart - Lost - The fun is over. Allow Violent J to showcase his skills as you fall in love with another ICP song about your body falling apart. Literally J could make an entire album about dying and it would be the best thing you've ever heard. If you don't like Falling Apart that's cool but holy shit! this song is a level above. A true classic my friends. Now we know -- we are Lost. We are falling apart and who knows what will become of us!
The Dream - The Outtakes - Alright, what the fuck is this track doing on an Outtakes album. It's clear to me that J and Shaggy didn't know what the Missing Link was or how good this song is. This song is one of the best dark, atmospheric tracks they've ever made. It's Dark Lotus. It's Hell's Pit. It's dark and I love it. Pick this track up at the 3:30 mark and tell me it isn't the ICP you fucking love. But the haters are upset because we are 5 tracks in and no Legz Diamond or crowd chants? FUCK IT -- we have hundreds of those songs. Sleep is like a curse! I don't wanna die here.
Vomit - Lost - Starting with an exorcism, it's obvious we are still Lost. Will we ever find our way? fuck no. Not until after we listen to J and Shaggy's tales of Erica - the hot chick who sold her soul and died a bitter lonely lady, John the wealthy kid who grew old and neglected his son who eventually committed suicide. This song could easily be on Hell's Pit, it's a direct continuation of the themes and sounds they explored back then. But it's really just a scratch on the surface as we are lost but still hopeful.
You Should Know - Lost - Alright. It's dark as fuck and I don't even remember how I got to the carnival. All I know now is that you and I both have been the asshole in a relationship before. None of us are the piece of shit in the song, but a-lot of us are damn close. The thoughts are there for us and for J too. This song is fucking brilliant, scary and deep. Relate to it? Yeah, because you've been lost before...maybe you still are.
Why'd I Have to Die? - The Outtakes - This song bumps. The chorus is legit and the theme is on point. Right now we are on a carnival ride that has gotten darker and darker. I cannot understand why it's an outtake. It's got the emotion and it exemplifies Lost. You're dead. You're angry because you weren't ready. Because your shit wasn't in check. All of us will leave this way...if we are lost. Think about that.
I See the Devil - Lost - Man most of ya'll won't like this song. I can't tell you why, but I can hear the bitching about how it sounds whack. It's different. But you are missing out. This shit is so dark and so banging it will set your soul free. Sure, it's not the song you bump for your friends, but you can bump this shit on headphones or while your playing games and holy fuck you'll start to appreciate the music and the freshness that this song is. At this point, we are so fucking lost it's not funny. But right around three minutes into this song, hope. This is the turning point of the whole Missing Link. The Devil's Grip is tight...can't nobody hide from the Devil inside. That's fucking right! Now...are you tired of this dark void? Are you tired of being Lost? Alright well this track is fresh as fuck. But you play that shit all the way out! Starting at 5:45, J sings and the light shines. There is hope...there is a light and there is a link that is...
Found Intro - The Outtakes - SHAGGY 2 DOPE SINGS THE SWEET FUCKING MELODY OF THE MARVELOUS MISSING LINK, FOUND. TAKE A LOOK AROUND, YOUR LINK IS FOUND, YOU ARE FINALLY FOUND, LOOK AROUND, JUST LOOK AROUND. THE WORLD IS FULL OF WONDERS AND NOW IT'S ALL MINE, I ESCAPE THE DARKNESS NOW LOOK AT ME SHINE. I swear to God this is the best of all three albums. If you hate my Fake Missing Link, the least you can do is play this on repeat 100 times and fucking find yourself!!!!!!!!!
The World Is Yours - Found - Oh shit, it's one of those tracks that ends a Joker's Card except we are only on track 11. Shit man, we are found and life is good. This song fucking bangs. Enjoy the melodies my friend, The World is Yours.
Juggalo Party - Found - Well fuck me. I think this is the song that inspired me to do this whole thing. I hear this song and I'm found. No matter where I am at, I am found. Juggalos behind me, up front and on the side. Man when I first heard this song I thought it was the worst shit ICP ever made. Now...shit I need this song. It's my life. We're getting old and our shit that was cool is turning into some shit we can never let go. Let the Faygo reign, ICP 4 Ever. MMFCL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LET'S DO THE DAMN THING!
Mr. White Suit - Found -- This is one of the songs that most of ya'll already like. And if you don't like it, well fucking realize it's a true story bitch! It's a songumentary ;)
Immortal - The Outtakes - Always blows my mind that this ended up on the Outtakes. I feel like this is a perfect Joker's Card track. It's fun, it's got both J and Shaggy featured and it bumps.
I'm Sweet - Found - Well this is a Band of Horses Sample which to me, at first was pretty stale. But then I stopped being a bitch. All rap uses samples...and this track uses the sample well. As we clearly near the end the Fake Marvelous Missing Link you can hear the emotion set in and the mood change. The ride...well it's coming to an end and the Missing Link comes to a close...but are we lost or are we found?
How? - Lost - You know what? You've probably slept on this song because it was on Lost. But you put this song here, sandwiched between two dope ass songs, it really shines. We've seen the bad and we've seen the good, but how do we know if we've done good in God's eyes? Are we lost or are we found? Are we going to Hell's Pitt or are we going to Shangri-La? Or does any of it fucking matter? You gotta admit, this song explores exactly that. Shit at 2:30 bumps, you can't convince me this song doesn't bump. You may not like the chorus but you can't expect ICP to make the same damn hook again and again. This is the shit. Bump it loud.
Found - Found - The indisputable champion of the Missing Link Lost and Found. "This career, I believe God let me have it." "Whatever was missing before it ain't missing now" This is one of the best songs ICP has ever made, period. You will survive the darkest times with this song. You will be okay with this song. Keep it in your rotation, it's necessary and it's fresh as fuck.
Time - Found - Shit, I guess most cards end around 17 but this time you get more fucking flavor to wrap up the legendary dark carnival experience. Where Found is the best track of the bunch, Time is no slouch. If this isn't your style I understand, but I bump the two extensively. These are anthems that keep me sane, I don't have two of these on any other Joker's card.
Flamethrower - Lost - **Bonus track. I had to put it here because you nerds are sleeping on it! This shit hits hard and let me tell you, it may not be the track you remember the words to, but you headphone this song and play the Division 2 and son of a bitch you will be right at home!!!!!!! **
Well there you have it! I've spent more time making this playlist than ICP spent recording the whole album!!!! Here's what didn't make the cut: Shoulda coulda woulda...put I'm Sorry and/or OK on here but too many good songs already. Lost Tracks: Intro, Lost, Apocalpyse, Shock, Confederate Flag, Explosions, I'll Keep My Hatchet, Neighbors are Fighting Found Tracks: Intro, OK (this would be the first one I'd add), Pineapple Pizza, The Midway, I Fucked a Cop, Dreams of Grandeur The Outtakes: The Missing Link, Six Pedophiles, The Monster, Joey the Butcher, Let Loose, Dead Heather, The Carousel, Hooker, I'm Sorry (Honorable Mention!!) Alright, well hope you enjoy my friends. ~Urine8
2020.03.28 04:12 SuavecitoeA love letter to nostalgia
TL/DR at the bottom Nostalgia is a drug, and depending on how you use it, side affects vary. Nostalgia isn’t all bad trust me but don’t dwell on it for extended periods of time. It can be good but it can also fuck you up. Everyone always talks about 2016 and how it was the last of greatest years but cmon we don’t remember shit from that year. We remember 5 songs and a couple artists and we call it the last great year we’ve had. Maybe that’s nostalgia wearing off, and we’re living in a time where we’re sobering up, and no major culture shifts are happening, just a limbo period in time. Every year now seems to go by faster, tv shows we loved as kids aren’t funny anymore, the music we listened to is compared to everything that comes out now as inferior, and people seem less genuine. It’s almost like the people we admire like artists that are “different”, movie characters that act and have ideas and live like Tyler Durden, the kids from dazed and confused, all the abstract teenage thinkers and complainers of the 90s lost in a teenage wasteland full of wasted souls and potential, have become a marketable lifestyle, and aren’t truly unique to those groups anymore. Now, it’s cool to have colored hair and designs in your hair, dress in whatever and be different and weird, gay, a feminist, a juggalo, a hippie and everything in between. Before, you were seen as an outcast. Being weird and thinking different isn’t original anymore because it’s been played out so many times and people can fake that and make money off of a fake persona. We live in an age where every kid wants to be a 90’s kid, or an 80’s, or 70’s kid, and I’m not immune to this. When I watch movies or live bands from the 70’s, 80’s and 90’s I think man it would be sick to be born and grow up then, but nobody wants to proudly be a 2010’s kid, a future 2020 kid, no one wants to be present. Yes the stuff of the past was fucking incredible but we can’t keep living in it and wishing we did. We need more creatives, more shit that’s gonna last through generations. Everything now is a time piece dedicated to events of the past, but no ones pushing the agenda anymore, or at least not as hard as we could. Fashion is for the most part is a joke now, mostly and especially high fashion, which is full of the “elite and sensible designers”. New shit being made is never gonna be the equivalent of another Calvin Klein with denim fucking jeans or another Andy Warhol with that whole collective, just a bunch of regular people who think sewing two things together and selling them for half your paycheck makes them a genius and a fashion icon. I love rap music today and have no problem with it, but something about it just tells me it just doesn’t have that staying power that people will talk about until the end of time. Everything draws inspiration from the past and that’s just how it is you know. We’re all nostalgia junkies wishing things could be like they were, “simpler times”. Making up false scenarios in our heads. It’s like in those movies everybody wants some or dazed and confused, the wooderson type character, faking a persona to hang around kids the same age he was in his glory days, trying to relive his prime. They come in different ways though, they’re not all bad guys (willoughby and wooderson are two different personalities, one a mentor and one wanting worship from highschool kids. Willoughby did it for the love of baseball, not for girls or anything like that). They’re just examples of when nostalgia gets dangerous. Shit still happens today, people peaking in highschool and hanging around, offering wisdom, or dating highschool or college people to feel accepted. Ever living that kind of life truly scares me. For some reason, last year after seeing bohemian rhapsody, (I know, what an eye opener) my 15 year old self had some sort of epiphany. Ever since then, I’ve kind of been living in the present, and enjoying living through these years, even though they’re zooming by. While not doing everything I want to do, I’ve learned to let lose a little and let myself be who I want to be. Before 2019, I saw those years as kind of blobs, not as bad memories or the best times of my life, just, blurry events of what I’d been through. They didn’t really feel, authentic, I guess. I started growing my hair out a little and changed the style of it and listen to so many types of music now and watch movies that I would’ve hated before last year. Everyone has some sort of an epiphany at a point in their life, mostly every time through some form of nostalgia, whether you lived through it or not. Highschool, believe or not, is temporary. Most of the people you hang out with? They’re temporary. That crush you have on that one girl or boy (whomever you prefer) that doesn’t even stare in your direction? Temporary. Maybe this is advice to myself, or to everyone, or just me rambling again, I’m not sure. A lot of these things you’ll look back on and realize how stupid worrying about these things were. I’m only 16, I’m no fucking messiah, I don’t have all the answers and I don’t claim to, I just know what I know. Our fondest memories are like richard linklater said himself, about things we choose to remember when life was pure and we knew nothing. Before we learnt about sex, or drugs or cared about being at parties and getting laid, or fitting in, or worrying about being a man or a woman, or what outfit we were gonna wear the next day. This isn’t something to shit on nostalgia, it’s a beautiful and fragile thing, it’s used to cope and reminisce, but not meant to be used as a crutch. TL/DR: basically, nostalgia is like a drug, depending on how you use it blah blah blah. We chose to reminisce on things that we envisioned as pure when we were younger and make up shit about the past to justify living in it. All in all, we borrow a lot from the past, we should focus more on the present, and don’t spend too much time dwelling on the past or you could end up like wooderson in dazed and confused.
2020.03.19 05:45 camelai40I'm a Stand Up Comedian for the Occult. That Wasn't Always the Case (Part 1)
Like most comedians, my goal was to move away from my shit hole town and "make it" in the big city. I had amassed some meager savings and as soon as I was old enough, I drove away from home to follow my dream of comedy success. I figured it'd take me about a year. 10 years later I was still a broke nobody, competing nightly against all of the other delusional hopefuls, desperate for a chance to perform for a handful of drunks at a bar. Never believed that magic existed, or even played with the idea that there was anything more to the darkness than shadows and dust bunnies. All I knew was that I wasn't getting on television or scoring any agents, milestones that many of my peers had already reached. My comedy career had stagnated, like the container of beef & broccoli on my bedside table that I kept forgetting to throw out. It was starting to grow fur. I was also running out of money. If I didn't make something happen for myself soon I was going to end up living out of my car and eating tuna out of a can (again). Being almost pathologically introverted, I didn't have any friends with "connections" to hook me up with a cushy writer's room job, and I couldn't get enough roadwork to make ends meet. Things were looking bleak. Desperate, I started booking shows in places no one else would. Events for communities like banned 4-Chan groups, kink-core enthusiasts, furry conferences, biker gangs, ghetto punks, whoever would hire me. One time I performed in a giant abandoned municipal waste pipe for some Juggalos who paid me in 5 cases of Faygo and a round of enthusiastic high fives. Yeah sure, it wasn't the best environment for a girl with fake emergency contacts to be putting herself in, but I was starting to earn enough to pay my bills. I was blinded by the money I was finally starting to make, and it made me more reckless about where I looked for work. Everything changed when a friend of mine showed me how to access the dark web. I searched the dark web index sites for live entertainment, and found some offers, mostly for hookers. All dead ends. It took a couple of months before I got a promising lead. One Sunday night, at 3am, I discover a message in my inbox with nothing but a link: 8tp://bookofshadowstalent.d̶͈͙̄͗f̷̲̱̆. Not wanting to risk a virus, I Googled the site. Nothing on that end. As in no information about this website whatsoever. Finally, curiosity compelled me to just click it. I was redirected to a website that looks like it was built in the 90s, a black background and red font. The header of the page read "Book of Shadows Talent & Management Agency: Serving the Occult Entertainment Business for 5000 years." The site's background imagery was kitschy, low resolution illustrations of pentagrams, leering red devils and other less recognizable occult symbols. Some corny, dripping blood effects along the bottom of a menu bar that had an "about us," and "contact me" options. I figure why not play along with this occult cos-playing group, as long as they kept their velvet gloves and porcelain fang-implants to themselves, and the money was good. I scanned the About section. More fantasy backstory about a talent agency founded during the pre-human era, when "t' deviles, vvitches and other ancients roamed the Earthe." Whatever. I clicked on the Contact section and was redirected to some mailing software called Ĝ̵̝̯ooMail. There was an auto signature at the bottom of the message box in green. Something about a "soul contract" that included a "protection from magicks clause" (yes, magick with a "k"). The last line caught my eye. "Effective immediately" it read "upon the receipt of email by the contracting party (Book of Shadows Talent LLC), a binding spell between both parties for the protection of the soul and/or body of the contracted party (henceforth referred to as "the Talent") from all magicks until completion of the aforementioned contract." They're promising to look out for my well being? What am I going to need protection from, getting tangled in some goth's fishnet stockings? I wrote out an introductory email. My inbox dinged immediately after I pressed "send." When I checked it's an email from Book of Shadows Talent with instructions for a show for that same night. Pay is $3000 for one hour. "Do you accept this assignment?" I replied (skeptically) with "accept" and within seconds I heard a notification on my phone telling me three thousand dollars was just transferred to my Venmo account. I'm over the moon, I couldn't believe my good luck. I eagerly scanned the email for more details about the show. Something about the Templar Warlock's black solstice mass. A picture of men in black robes holding candles. Probably some support group for incels. I threw on some clean clothes, grabbed my pepper spray, keys and a can of tuna, and hit the road. The drive took over 2 hours. I ended up in front of a derelict, 3-story residential building, sandwiched between a plaza, with most of it's stores boarded up, and a decrepit Dunkin' Donuts. I could see one bare fluorescent bulb inside the coffee chain blinking an unintelligible Morse code. Empty lots and abandoned buildings made up the remaining real estate for miles in any direction. I parked and got out of the car. The wind swirled by, agitating a chittering cauldron of bats, making them burst out of a giant elm by the plaza. The tumult of hundreds of tiny, leathery wings pumping the air all at once slowly faded as they disappeared into the night. Shivering, I pulled my sound equipment out of the trunk of my car and marched up to the entrance. I rang the doorbell, and a faint tonal melody chimed somewhere deep within the building. After a minute or two the door swung open to reveal a pale, sullen man in a striped sweater. Greasy-looking, dark hair framed his acne scarred face. His mouth was a thin slash that widened unpleasantly in greeting. "Oh. hey" he sneered, "you must be the 'comedienne.' I'm Blake. C'mon, I'll take you to the showroom." He led me through a foyer with moldy ceilings, around a crumbling main stairwell. There was a small wooden panel beneath the stairs. Blake threw it open to reveal a narrow, interior staircase he ushered me down. When we got to the bottom I found myself standing in front of a huge, rust-covered iron door. My mind was screaming at me to give any excuse to leave, say I had a 'gynecologist appointment early tomorrow and look at the time would you,' but I couldn't bring myself to back out. I didn't want to have to give back that $3 k in my bank account, plus I'd get to perform for a whole hour. If everything turned into a shit show at the very least I'd get a good story out of it, and be the envy of my comedy peers. Blake pounded on the iron door and it rasped open, hinges screaming. My last chance to run to my car and peel out of there. I followed him inside. I made sure to look as professional as possible and briskly stepped inside. If I took charge of the situation I could get things going, perform and get the hell out of there sooner rather than later. The stench hit me as soon as I crossed the threshold: old sweat and urine. Plus something metallic I couldn't place. Then, there's all the candles. It looked like someone had raided a Bed Bath and Beyond. Tea lights, tapered sticks, votives, all lit up and placed in every corner and crevice. The iron door crashed shut behind me. The room's shadows twisted and shrank wildly as the candle-flames kept getting disturbed by sudden gusts of cold air coming from a doorway opposite the door I had entered. I couldn't make out anything from the yawning blackness beyond that other opening, but the air current felt like it led to an outdoor area. "Probably some dumb courtyard" I thought to myself, dismissively, "I'm going to tell them it's too cold to perform outside tonight. Although, it's kind of hot in here, might be better off outside (also escape routes are more likely to be outside)" Preoccupied with show and possible escape logistics, I'd forgotten about Blake, and hadn't yet noticed the other dozen or so black-hooded forms that stood in the room, watching me. I was in the middle of trying to figure out if I could use the rusted iron chair and stone slab in the center of the space as a DIY stage, when one of the hooded guys tapped me on the shoulder. I jumped when I saw him, then remembered the email about this group's penchant for dramatic occult-wear and relax. "Okay. I think the best place for me to set up is over there" I gestured over to the stone altar with authority "it's elevated, you guys can sit in a semi circle by this door, not that one. Seems kind of chilly over there, but good for airing the place out it smells...interesting in here." I was chattering nonstop to fill up the silence as a couple of robed guys mutely followed me around and helped me organize my equipment. "What're you guys up to, anyway, summoning Beelzebub with all these candles? You forgot maybe a bubble bath, some smooth jazz, he'd like that, I bet." I could feel them getting impatient, some confused murmuring "Forget I asked, that's none of my business." Striding through the small cluster of robed men, I caught snatches of what they were mumbling to each other "...and are women even, like, funny?," I thought "female comedian" was dark web code for "hooker," she doesn't seem like any hooker I..." and other stellar commentary. Two hooded guys picked up my equipment and set it on the altar. "Great thanks guys, and- is there a place to plug my amp in? Thanks, great. You guys warm in those things? I guess I'm okay but would you rather perform out there" I said, jerking my head towards the outdoor area beyond the open door. They all chuckled in reply, Blake barked out a hard "Ha!" "No. We're better off in here," he asserted, "Theres a rabid dog chained to a fence outside you don't want to get anywhere near him. Rabies." "Well, let's not get rabies. The only thing I want to infect you guys with is laughter" I reply lightly, hamming it up and trying my best to exude judgement-free energy. I fiddled around with the mixer and adjusted the volume. "Testing testing, microphone check a, b, c, d. Ok, great," I said into the microphone, as my ratty old amp whined to life. I gave it too much treble by mistake and there's feedback. Everybody winces. "Sorry about that does that. Did that sound like any demons you guys know or am I the only one who dated my ex, ok just kidding. Haha." The hooded figures slowly gathered around me. While I'm performing, out of the corner of my eye I saw Blake murmur something into the ear of one of the hooded guys, who then walked behind the iron chair behind me. Blake caught me watching and gave me an insincere thumbs up. I decides to just dive right into my act. "So, I've been performing in a lot of basements lately. I guess I proved my mom wrong huh? Getting high in the family den all those years payed off after all. I really racked up those 10 k hours." Some groans, chuckles. I pivot to a couple of quick roast jokes. "You guys must sleep in those robes, when I squint I can see tan lines around your eye sockets from where you cut eyeholes out of those hoods." Laughter. "You guys have got tons of candles, your girlfriends must be pissed. Standing around with a bubble bath and flower petals. In the dark." The hooded guy returned from behind the throne and handed Blake a dagger. As I nervously eyeball the blade, Blake catches my eye and smiled reassuringly, making me feel even less assured. Then he gives a signal to the other hooded figures. The ones that were into the show get nudged. They all stand up and look at me. "Ok, guys, what is it tea time for Satan? Haha..what're you all doing? Hey...stop right there or I swear I'll call Ghostbusters." They all start moving towards me. They surge around me on the stone slab. What the hell. I stoop down and twist the dial all the way up on the volume while simultaneously pointing the mic right at the amp face, causing major feedback. The hooded men all cringe and clap their hands over their ears and I take the opportunity to jump down and to the iron door. I get about halfway there when someone roughly grabs my wrists and pins them behind me. Terror keeps spreading in pin-prickly waves from my head to my extremities. I yell and flail my feet around like crazy. I jerk my head back and I feel a satisfying crunch as it connects with a nose behind me. There's a grunt of pain and I'm let go, stumbling forward. The back of my head is tingling. I shove my hand into my pocket and pull out my pepper spray, swinging around while simultaneously jamming down on the button. The spray goes everywhere in the small room (yes), including in my own face (no). There's a moment of complete confusion as we all crawl around wiping at our burning faces before I finally drag my way towards the dark opening across the room. I grab on to the doorjamb and haul myself up to my feet, trying to see through the blur of my stinging, watering eyes. Just as I'm about to step through to find another way out of there, my foot freezes mid-forward momentum past the doorframe. The hair stands up along the back of my head from my nape to the crown as an irrational yet paralyzing realization takes hold of me. There is no ground beyond the doorframe. No walls, no ceiling. There's just nothingness, like I'm looking out into a vast, featureless night sky, without the comfort of constellations or clouds to buffer my perception of infinite depth. If I stepped through I'd fall into an abyss without end, I'm sure of it, even as that thought defies all logic. As I squint into that other place, trying to understand what I'm looking at, I'm suddenly aware that I can feel something waiting deep in that vastness, incomprehensibly far away, watching me. I can't move, trapped between a candlelit room of cursing hooded figures mopping at their eyeholes, coming closer, and the certainty that what lay beyond that doorway was a reality that would drive me insane before it ultimately consumed my soul. That was all the time the hooded assholes needed to drag me to the slab, holding me supine over the rough stone by my ankles and wrists. Blake appears in my line of sight, standing over me, chanting. He pulls out a wickedly sharp-looking dagger and slices my right cheek with it. The cut stings and I can feel the blood running down the side of my head and pooling into my ear folds. "I hate incels" I think to myself, feeling woozy. Blake ceremoniously takes the dagger over to the doorway and says some utter garbage about the "eater of worlds. With the blood on this dagger taste the sacrifice." The hooded incels grovel around me chanting in what sounds like Latin. Blake flings the dagger into the room that isn't a room. I wait to hear the metallic clang of the dagger hitting the ground outside, or at least any sound of impact, but it never comes. Everyone is silent and I'm straining to raise my head to see what's happening. The cold wind whistles through the door. Blake is standing in the doorway, with a crazed grin on his stupid face. That's when we all hear the distant roar from somewhere deep in the void, from what feels like millions of miles away. An arctic blast shoots through the opening, blowing Blakes greasy hair back. He turns to look at me, bug eyed, and intones "Now, our master and the granter of powers beyond your comprehension will consume your life force" There's complete silence for a moment. Suddenly, a 10 foot long nightmare tentacle undulates its way across the ceiling. Followed by another, and another. 5 gelatinous, quivering black tentacles, with complex, red patterned streaks running along their lengths. I feel like I'm losing my mind. My thoughts are coming in jagged fragments. I start thinking about the Little Mermaid. I'm pretty sure I sang a few bars of Part of Your World. From somewhere in the distance I hear Blake saying "This has never happened before, i don't understand-" The tentacles ooze their way through the room and then pause, hovering over me. I hear Blake making confused noises by the doorway. I feel a light, perversely gentle caress on the crown of my head...and then, so fast it's just a blur of motion, a tentacle grabs one of the hooded figures and flings him to the ceiling with such force that the body sticks to it's surface for a moment before pieces of the corpse start to rain down in wet chunks. This is when I finally start screaming my head off. Confusion leads to panic as the tentacles begin killing everyone in the room. Squeezing some guys together into a red mush. Slamming others to a pulp against the walls and ceiling with short, booming thrusts. The air is suffused with a wet, red mist. Something sharp and small hits me in the face, bounces off and falls into my open mouth. I stop screaming and spit the thing out, not before realizing the familiar gritty enamel little stone I'm spitting out is actually a tooth. Blake is frothing at the mouth the whole time, eyes bulging, commanding the tentacles to stop. He shakes his skinny arms at them impotently. One of the gelatinous appendages snaps Blake up and just holds him, suspended in the air. His screams hit a girlish pitch. "He's at least a mezzo soprano" I think to myself in wonder. Blake is upside down, screaming something unintelligible at the dark opening. Besides me and Blake, no one else is alive. That's when a tiny, dapper man stepped out of the dark opening and into the room, with the casual attitude of someone walking from their living room to their kitchen. He was wearing a baby blue cravat and a pristine white shirt under a dark grey suit, pressed pants and shiny leather shoes. He picked his way fussily over the blood and cartilage over to the stone slab I'm still laying on, looked at me and smiled. I just smiled back idiotically because at that point I was slightly insane and why wouldn't a 4 foot tall lawyer join the party. I noticed his teeth were abnormally big and sharp, like a shark's mouth. "Hell," he gushed, holding out his hand to shake mines "you must be Melissa, I'm your new talent agent, Arcan Dibbles, it's great to meet you! Sorry for the delay, couldn't really get involved until they'd actually accessed the supernatural via their summoning ritual, as per the contract you digitally signed earlier this evening." "My agent? You're a real agent?" I asked, incredulous. "I have an agent now? About fucking time." I screamed with laughter. For a full minute. "Yes, well. Lots of mortals take some time to get acclimated, so don't feel embarrassed," Arcan replied, looking pretty embarrassed for me. "The question is," he mused looking over at Blake, "what shall we do with him. You get to decide how he will be disposed of, as per you contract." I whimpered pathetically "Just...please, get him away from me." Blake was still strung up by his ankles by the tentacle that seized him earlier, his eyes glazed and spittle flew out of his mouth as he gibbered like a crazed psychotic at my new agent. "Consider it done. Very classy of you to not want to torture him first," Arcan replied prissily, making some complex hand signal to the tentacle holding Blake, "and may I say (off the record, of course) how glad I am that you're not as sadistic as some of our other clients. I'm all about pragmatism. If there's a threat to your well being, don't take it personal, just get rid of it, is what I have to say about that." The tentacle holding Blake suddenly flung him through the doorway of the abyss, into the dark. I caught one last glimpse of him flying through the door and flipping head over heels over and over again, slowly like he'd been thrown into outer space, dwindling in size until finally winking out of sight. Then I saw the tentacles creeping towards me. I could still hear Arcan chattering at me, but his voice sounded distorted. Everything grew overly bright, and hyper realistic. I don't remember anything after that, I must have fainted. I woke up at home in bed. Groggily, I got up and shuffled over to the bathroom. I washed my face and looked in the bathroom mirror. I saw the cut from where the ceremonial dagger had sliced me on my cheek and a business card from Book of Shadows, Arcan Dibbles, Talent Agent on my kitchen table when I went to make myself a pot of coffee. So, it definitely hadn't been a dream. I spent the rest of the day puttering around in denial, read a few rejection letters from some comedy festivals I'd submitted to, and looked through all of my credit card bills. I threw out the moldy container of beef and broccoli. Finally, at 5pm, I decided to call Book of Shadows Talent and Management Agency. As I dialed the number I realized I was always going to call. I told myself I just wanted to find out if I was going to be able to keep the money from last night's gig. That's it and then I tell him his services are not required. I don't need to know tentacle monsters in the void exist in random buildings just outside of the city limits. The phone is ringing. Steeling myself once I hear someone pick up, and an unctuous voice on the other line say "Book of Shadows Management and Talent, how can I help you?" I said hello.
15 points: BudsNotBullets's comment in Has nothing to do with food, but if y'all wondered what I look like, this is me.
14 points: AmericanMuskrat's comment in New silverware that was gifted to me the other day. The chopsticks were featured in my ramen post earlier. So far I like it. If anyone knows how to read Japanese, please translate this for me.
14 points: AmericanMuskrat's comment in There's a muskrat cook off in town today. A friend is entering. He cooked the heads separately.
14 points: MILK_DUD_NIPPLES's comment in Has nothing to do with food, but if y'all wondered what I look like, this is me.
2020.02.28 03:57 BunsonboiTales of a Former Neckbeard #3 Battle of the Five Beards
Alright everyone Its time for part 3 of my ongoing story. While my first two parts basically covered my freshman year this part will actually go over both my sophomore and junior years. I was now transitioning from my old neckbeardy ways and was now my way to becoming just a normal person albeit when angered I still had a lot of beard tendencies. Also side note all of the reminiscing has gotten me in the mood to reach out to all my old high school friends and am currently trying get my old group back together. So turns out there another plus side to all this story telling. Time to get into the story and like the times before TL;DR will be at the bottom. So same cast mates as before with the main cast being ProtagoBeard(Me), AC (M'lady), Petang (Fellow Beard/former friend), Jay (Chad). We also cant forget the supporting cast of characters. For this story we'll include The Fellowship consisting of three other beards (Gollum, Pat, and Sam). My friend group (Kheel, Sergio, and Selfie) and lastly AC's friends (Samurai and Eli). Now later on down the road a few others will be introduced into this story as I continue on. Like I said this story will cover a number of instances over two years that happened between all of us as we basically went into a prank/social war with one another. Now I don't why we tried so hard to take each other down but I know what initially started it all. If you all remember at the end of the last story I had punted Jay's coconuts into his stomach. While over the summer I had forgotten about this Jay did not. He remembered and actually rallied his friends and lackeys onto his side and waited for just the time to strike. Mini Story #1 The Rack War We were barely a week into the new year and my friends and I suddenly found ourselves being surrounded. They actually rounded us up and began to try to either punch or knee us in the crotch. Jay - "You think I'd forgot!" Jay spoke actually hitting me square in the nuts. My friends were pissed now and decided to go after Jay's friends in response and late that week we basically jumped them in response and racked them in return. However a few of the jocks were with them and they were pissed at both parties. The next week both groups where cornered and racked. This back and forth spat would last almost two whole months of all the boys in my year being involved finding ways two find their prey corner them with out any faculty member noticing and hitting them in the nuts. This infamous time in my school was later known as the rack war. Many of nuts were crushed in that time. This war ended when one of the boys decided to not pay attention to where he was and hit another kid in the balls in front of the school's principal. While the kid got in trouble the rest of us male students where all told in last class of the day to stop hitting each other in between the legs or else strict punishment would be given to us. Mini Story # 2 The Rise and Fall of Sports Beard So the next story involved Yours truly, Petang, Gollum, Sam, Selfie, and Sergio. The school tends to keep the gym open for school practices and after the kids go out to do exercises it's open for other student to mess around with some basket balls. Now I had no special in that but another student did. Enter the first new Neckbeard to my tale SportsBeard. Now before you read into the name no this kid did not play sports he just acted like he did. SportsBeard broke his leg freshman year attempting to skateboard(Yes thats the story he gave us and no he didnt go into detail) With his leg now healed he often spoke of us love of basketball and how good of a shot he was. Now he was was playing horse in the gym with Sergio and decided to actually try and get a game going. They came out from the gym and asked both groups if we wanted to play. Surprisingly Petang and his group where down to play. Now I had seen them play last year in gym and I can definitely say they're not that good. SB - "So ProtagoBeard you down to play?" Me - "Nah I'm good. Besides it'd be uneven teams." I point out. SB - "So you're scared huh, Yeah I get I just beat Sergio in Horse." Sergio - "Bro you didn't beat me we never finished and I was ahead." SB - "Yeah but you still quit, which means I won." Yep he brought up if you quit you loose. Me - "Yeah I'm not sure that's how that works." SB - "Well then why don't you come prove me wrong and play me." Now I could tell he was trying to put on show because everyone was now watching him including some fellow girls from our class. (Originally typed in female and felt gross so I changed it back) Me - "Bruh I don't want to play my ride is going to be here soon anyway." Sports beard wasn't having it. SB - "Damn you scared of me bro?" Petang - "Come on man don't be a bitch about it come play." Really Petang now you're jumping in? Gollum - "OOOH." By this point they're trying to rile me up and both Selfie and Sergio are suggesting I just join in and get them to shut up. That's when SB took a play out of Jay and Petang's book. SB - "Man I'd bet you play if AC was watching." Now I know with the way my last few stories played out you'd expect me to to lash out or say something in return to try and tear them down but In fact I was so in awe that they went there I just grabbed my bag and got up wanting to leave. I would let them have this win because I just didn't want to deal with it that is until one of the stupidest things ever happened. It was at this point I don't know why SB decided to chuck the ball over to Sergio, Selfie and I shouting "Think fast!" Which none of us were paying attention and the basketball straight up hit me square in the nose. I bounced back into the wall stunned and dazed. Everyone else went silent around me as I just say "FUCK!". Now I don't explicitly know how I looked but from what Sergio later told me my face was red as fire. And I had just a little bit of blood coming down my nose. While the others got quiet I remember Selfie attempting to calm me down as I began to walk towards SB ready to rip his head off. SB ran off back towards the gym knowing he fucked up and like any pissed off teenager who just got there face caved in by basket ball I wanted some good ole fashioned revenge. I sprinted after him catching up quickly with basketball in hand I chuck it into his back knocking him over. Now I was gone slam the ball into him again but that's when I noticed AC was near where SB fell over. AC - "Whoa, are you ok?" She asked noticing the blood now dripping from my face. I just looked down at SB and told him if he tries something like this again I wouldn't stop and left him alone. Sophomore year ended up becoming a trying year for me. First I had to deal with my grandmother getting sicker and more senile which made my time in that school always up in the air. Then there was the constant bull shit I had to endure of Jay and Petang always taking shot at me and I how I felt towards AC. Then there was the fact AC started dating another kid named Tree(I call him that do to his personality I know Biased but others would tend to agree with me so that's what I'm going with. Also later on Sergio would end up transferring out going to another school and I stopped having classes with Selfie so my stock on friends became very low since now my classes didn't match up with any of my other friends like Kheel and I couldn't see them after school having to help my grandmother. So the angst and anger was strong with this one. Mini Story # 3 M'lady Returns So the next part was the end of sophomore year I was waiting for my ride after school and was sitting on the floor leaning against the wall with gatorade and book Halo: First Strike I was about half way into it and I was loving it. It was actually my only birthday gift I got that year from my now Brother In law. Well as I was waiting AC walked up to me and just simply said hi to me. I looked up to her and said I in response. She then asked if i had the same number or not since I hadn't really spoken to her this whole past year. I told I didn't as I had gotten a new phone over the summer. She then asked for my number. Now I was shocked by this as when we both actually last spoke I had completely blown it. I asked if she was sure and she said yeah so I gave her my new number. The two of us ended up texting each other for the rest of the night non stop just catching up it was actually pretty nice. She went on to say she missed having me as a friend as when I didn't act like a dick those few times I was genuinely a good friend towards her. I responded I missed being her friend as well but in reality I was just looking for a way back in. We kept on talking the next day and finally she just straight up asked me. AC - "Hey do you have feelings for me?" I was stunned I wasn't expecting her to ask so fast if at all seeing as outside of attempting to ask her to the dance I never really made an actual move on her it had come down just practically everyone else making fun of me for having a crush on her. This was possibly my first smart move with her. Me - "AC I do have feelings for you, but I know you're dating Tree and it's none of my business what happens be tween you to." As much as I didn't like the idea of her with some one else I just new I was in no place to try anything with her. "If knowing this means you don't want be friends then I understand." She was actually happy with my honesty and told me she would like to try and stay friends with me so during the summer we did occasionally keep in touch texting one another. Not much for this story but it does set up that AC and I were now once again in contact with each other. Mini Story # 4 The Cancer Boy Junior year I was honestly hoping for a much easier year this time around and for the most part my outside life would be fairly quiet it would be my school life that would be turbulent. At this point Petang's fair Lady was no longer going to our school and started dating some other guy she met at the local college. Thus Petang become more edgy is the best way to put it. Always wearing his hood in the back corner of class. Claiming how much he could kick everyone's asses if they crossed him. One day one of my now new friends who we'll call New York (Cuz that's where he's from)decided to call him out of his bullshit saying. NY - "Petang your Sharringan isn't real you can't kick anyone's ass." Now I thought that was hilarious and laughed my ass off. Petang decided that he wasn't gonna take that but New Yorker was too close to his size and decided to come up to my desk shoved my books off my table. Petang - "Gonna keep laughing?" He then clenched his fists. Now At this point I had proven to others I wasn't a push over even though I was a small fella and for a moment I thought about getting out my seat but then when I saw him growl and show his teeth I lost my shit and began to laugh even louder. It was here that everyone else began to laugh as well. Petang now not having a single target just sat back down I think he thought he was going to just beat my ass or scare me enough of to just shut up and apologize, but the moment everyone laughed at him he just went back into his corner and threw his hood up, but of course not before stepping onto my paper work basically tearing it up. Poor Petang. However the story doesn't end there my dear readers.The very next day I had my accounting class which I just slept through most of the time because I couldn't see the board and the teacher only ever talked about her husband and what he was doing in financing. Well as luck would have it Petang sat right in front of me. Now I didn't know at the time because I hadn't had class with him yet that day but apparently Petang was forced to shave his head. Now readers if you remember Petang has a serious dandruff problem and he was finally forced to shave his head. I woke from stupor as the bell rang and I looked up. In front of me was a shiny pale whit crystal ball just glowing from the lights above. I was still kind of pissed at Petang from yesterday and I decided fuck what's the worst that can happen. So I spoke up about it. Me - "PETANG WHY DIDN'T YO TELL US YOU HAD CANCER???!!!!" (Yep that's why I shouted that in the middle of class for everyone to hear. It was an absurdly dick move on my part looking back now and I sometimes feel sorry about it but then I think about how he got revenge on me for this little stunt and then I think fuck him.) The next class about thirty minutes later I hear Kheel call out to him. Kheel - "Oh my god Petang you crying?" This caused most of the boys to laugh but one girl finally spoke up on how we were being dicks. Girl - "Come guys leave him alone." we did decide enough was enough and we backed off. Those two days would practically put an end to Petang's bull for the remainder of the year well into senior year as he now new my friends and I would be quick to check him on his bullshit and we would be the biggest dicks about it. But as I mentioned before he had last trick up his sleeve. I had mentioned to Kheel and Ginger I was contemplating getting back into anime and he told me to check out one he saw one time and think since I enjoy a lot of mainstream anime I'd like it a lot. Now I for the love of god I don't know why I didn't think this was trap. I got home looked up the anime and typed in the search bar the name of said anime (Boku no Pico). Me - "AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHH!" The horror the insanity, why?! if anyone is unfamiliar with said show its hentai bro! But not just any no, why would it be something simple and disgusting like tentacle and shit. No my dear readers this straight up about dudes banging little dudes and it caused me to immediately throw up in my seat. Petang had had the last laugh. Mini Story # 5 K2-D2 Now there was one more beard that would show up for this tale and this boy was a sight. Now while we did have school uniform it was very easy to see based off people's hat's and or jackets who was a beard and who wasn't as there actually really wasn't any big heavy kids since basically every year there was some type of gym class that is until he transferred. This big boy had both the look and smell of your classic neckbeard what was even funny about it was that he actually looked just like Kheel and ended up getting the nickname from my friends K2. Now while he wasn't into anime or that kind of stuff he was a huge gamer nerd mainly Darksouls and Elder Scrolls. Now I should state that I actually knew K2 he was one of my class mates from middle school. I was shocked to see him and I actually had no problem with him I was starting have other problems with another student that does spill into senior year which will be for a later story. It's Kheel, New Yorker and Ginger that had the problems with K2 as they shared classes with him. This is from their own mouths but one day in the hall while Ginger and NY were talking K2 came up to them and just spoke... K2 - "Your mom's a transvestite." And just dipped out as if dropping the hardest mic on them. Another time was when they were having lunch and K2 was sitting near them and them joking about Dark Souls with Selfie and he just gets up declaring..."Man fuck you juggalos." Slammed his food tray and walked away. I thought theses stories were quite funny as now that I thought about K2 was weird guy that was easy to piss of which we had developed a taste for. This next time when we were all having lunch the second semester K2 sat with us. the first thing out of his mouth was... K2 - "Man I'm so hungry I could eat a horse." At this point anyone of us could have said something but the first to pounce was Ginger who really started to hate the guy. Have no clue why just something about K2 just irked Ginger in the wrong way. Ginger - "Looks like you already have." We all busted out laughing as that was a good one and as group we're all used to saying this kind of stuff to each other and really hadn't said anything to K2 yet so he was shocked by the comment. He silently got up out of seat threw his food away and left the the lunch room. While we all though Ginger should apologize Ginger just decided that if he couldn't take a joke then f him. After this stunt K2 would go on to talk mad shit to Gollum and his group, Petang, SportsBead and his two or three friends, and even some of Jays friends about how much of an ass and dick Ginger was. This mad shit talk would be reciprocated by Ginger who would then talk mad shit about K2 to literally everyone and their mutual hatred for each other would come to a boiling point senior year. Now that's gonna have to be the end for now everyone as this basically brings to close most of the beard moments of sophomore and Junior year. Like I said in the beginning as time goes on there's less beard and cringe from me personally as grew out of the state pretty quickly when I got into the right crowd of people to change my mind set. However as you probably guess I've gone from being just a beard to somewhat of just an ass. In my personal opinion it's a level higher but hey I was and still am work in progress. The next two parts of this tale will cover my senior year. One part covering my time at school interacting with the other beards and students and the last part covering my first job through out senior year where AC also got the a job at the exact same time. So I guess all that's left is...what is the big rivalry I have with another student? What will Petang do with out his M'lady? What will happen when Ginger and K2 finally clash? And the most important question will I get M'lady now that's I'm slowly becoming a better person? Find out next time on Dragon Ball xenoverse! TL;DR : I recall five short stories of myself and the other Neckbeards of my school going head to head with each other to see who's got the biggest Fed-aura.
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